I want to try to get this experience down in words because it was so revelatory to me. I believe my longest friendship is with someone who was a friend at University and we move to California together And were roommates. He and I are quite different. We’ve stayed connected over the years, the decades. And yet over the last few years I felt a distance grow between us. There was something in his conversational style that reminded me of a particular relative and felt alienating. I believe at various points I tried to bring it forward but I didn’t feel heard. Internally I began to withdraw more and more. Until something happened in a conversation maybe a few months ago or less where I felt completely unheard and my heart closed. So when he called me a few times yesterday I noticed I didn’t want to answer. I noticed how uncomfortable it felt to hold this within. I felt scared to bring it.
I want to name that the truth is I was bringing it with blame. I truly blamed him . And big surprise initially I experienced him as defensive. I had to recognize that I cared more about being right than the connection. And as the attack/ defense went on I felt the disconnect solidify. Until thank God something penetrated and I remembered why I was bringing this conversation and had the wherewithal to say it out loud. I’m bringing this because I care about connection I care about you I care about our long friendship. The minute I said that both of us softened. And from then on I experienced it as one of the richest conversations we’ve had in decades. My heart opened more and more and more until I felt so grateful for him.
But what scares me is that had a stuck with my story and my need to be right and my blame I could’ve lost this valuable friendship. For me it took courage to bring what was creating the disconnect and to air it out. I’m super grateful he stayed with me. My prayer is that the next time there’s a disconnect I’ll remember to say the reason I’m bringing it is because I care so much that we stay in a more intimate connection. 
The photo below is of a book that was one of my favorites that I read to my daughter. The little mouse feels so disgruntled because all day long she doesn’t feel able to bring her love to others. Yet at the end of the day she just blurted it out. As I connect more with the inner one within, I feel this almost irresistible urge to tell people I love them. I am often following that urge and I adore doing it with many of my European friends who seem to find it even more uncomfortable. I have some young European friends and I delight in telling them I love them and watching them squirm. Most of them are men. I had an absolute blast telling a stranger, an older man, at a coffee shop that I found him beautiful and a shopkeeper that I appreciated her. It Sometimes seems random and feels both scary and delightful. Suzie my inner young one just jumps for joy that I’m finally letting her speak and share the love that she feels so often.
