Lately I have been exploring neediness. It is a part of myself I have a very complicated relationship with. It has been hard for me to accept that part of myself as it seems to have caused me endless trouble.
When I was younger I was a full on drama queen. Later with much feedback i began to stuff that part away, banish her without ever healing her. Yet lately she wasn’t having it. Very primal fear arose on Tuesday that felt incredibly unbearable, like I simply didn’t have the space to hold this level of vulnerability. To hold this part despite feeling incapable of holding it was quite the journey.
Yet over the next days I saw how I had made this part Cinderella, banished to the dust heap. This has been heightened as a number of relationships in my life have moved away from me in relationship to this part. Almost all of my closest friends are women friends that are two’s on the Enneagram. As they discovered the part or parts of them themselves that had ben lost in over-giving, they often pulled away from our relationship. I have done the same in numerous relationship where there was a form of energy vampirism. So I completely get how I was doing this too and why others would want to pull away.
Yet inadvertently I pulled away from her too and began to believe it was not ok to be needy, that this part had to be annihilated. OUCH! So lately as i desire to do with all inner parts, I desired to welcome her. Not easy. Yesterday I was feeling needy and I reached out to a friend and warned her I was feeling needy. What a delight when she did not reject me for it and was fine talking to me. Wow, already this self rejection moved to self acceptance was being mirrored back. (thanks Anna.)
Now today I got a chance to inquiry into this part. Such grief was revealed on so many levels. One of the most important was the forgotten memory both that my grandfather was dying as I was being born and thus my father was not around. And after the birth I was told my mom could not pick me up for about a year (my memory of what I was told.) Of course this created trauma which is now seemingly being exposed for integration. No small thing to try to hold myself when I was never shown/ taught how to at such a critical age. Many many thanks to Harold and Jennifer for holding me until I remember how to hold myself. Profound gratitude!!! A play still in progress.
