I am in a 4 part workshop about the shadow so no surprise my shadow came dancing in a powerful way. I spent a week playing-with this and it was so impactful I want to share it here.
It was my turn to do the shadow work. I was exploring my relationship to money. I feel into a very vulnerable place where I saw that indeed I associated money with coldness and abuse of power. I started crying and someone said that he had seen me react in this way before and judged me for it. I was literally speechless and devastated,
As a child I felt I was the only one on the planet that had emotions as the only emotion ever shared in my family was one person’s rage. I literally thought there was something wrong with me, that I was unlike anyone else. I held this image until I had a best friend in high school and found out others had emotions too. Relief!
Yet I felt so swept away by “my” sensitivity and emotions that they ruled my life until I was able to numb them out. In graduate school I explored them in a program that included personal growth. Yet a decade later I was still numb.
It wasn’t until I began being certified in Cellular Memory Release that I went in to the body and discovered I was numb. Again I thought something was wrong with me and unfortunately no one explained to me that numb is a vital feeling to explore. So I had to figure it out and spent six month diving viscerally into numbness over and over until it finally began to melt away.
So now many years later I give full range to my emotions. Now this man was definitely an earth angel. He had the courage to name that perhaps I had swung from one end of the pendulum to another. I could recognize a soul agreement immediately yet the hurt was to vast to give it much credence. So I had to go in to a deep grief I had clearly never fully allowed. It was so hard to have so many emotions as. A small child and to be surround by others who gave me no comfort or support in understanding what was going on. How incredibly sad to not be given support or reassurance.
So yes the grief raged all week and finally gave way to anger. I had the support of some beautiful people in this process. I was able to be seen and heard in 4 or 5 groups as I explored this gaping wound. Yet repeatedly I would go back to thinking about this man, saying over and over it doesn’t make sense! I could feel he had a good heart, why would he be so insensitive?
Immediately after the group I was lucky to notice another circle was on the schedule and went. I shared my grief and shock there. A man at one point asked me if he had in any way contributed to my upset. He did it with such sweetness, such tenderness I was literally swept away into a feeling of pure unity, of feeling all boundaries had fallen away. I was swimming in a sea of love and joy, in an ecstatic state of union. I probably would not have gone so far in if he had not shared openly his concern that it might have felt uncomfortable to me that he had entered my space in a way that might feel intrusive since it didn’t have clear boundaries. That is when for me I fell into this bottomless joy of being beyond form soaring through the Infinite. He is my other earth angel.
Then later in he week in my women’s group I was again exploring how much this whole process has occupied my energy for much of the week. And that is when the real gift landed. I had danced with this before but now I could fully own it in a new way. The pure and simple fact is my vulnerability is my strength. My ability to access and move through my emotions is a great gift. And yes this first man did point out something valid. While they are a wonderful gift they are servants of my soul, not the master. He was right that I tend to get carried away. Yet in that moment I claimed the incredible power in that sensitivity, that vulnerability.
While it was an unconscious choice, it is no mistake that some weeks ago I changed my avatar’s clothes to a WonderWoman attire (or I think that is who it is.) My word for 2021 is power and in that moment I felt so much power surging through me I felt I could literally fly.
Then in another circle it got further anchored by a woman who validated what a dilemma this has been for so many for so long. I can feel her sensitivity surpasses mine which gives her extraordinary gifts. My whole circle supported me and gave me the courage to face the music when I went back to the workshop yesterday. Could I share honestly without blame, without attack? Would I stay silent or disown what had arisen? So many gave me the courage and support to take this to the finish. The theme is vulnerability, emotions and power.
So I shared honestly how much impact I had experienced with the man’s judgment, which he had fully owned. I shared that I felt very guarded to be there. The truth is when he admitted he felt guilty, part of me had wanted that. Yet the minute I heard it I felt sad. The sense of separation was very painful to me. I was so relieved that within literally minutes once the man stated sharing his experience, I could see how our two shadows and been dancing and poking each other. My heart melted and I felt incredibly connected to this man. I am now so grateful to so many but particularly the man who had the courage to call me on my stuff and activate a huge purification and to the man that held me in such tenderness. I bow to them both and to the Mystery.
