My focus stays on this topic and no surprise, so much awareness piling in. Two that feel alive to write about this morn. The first was illuminated in two circles. In the first I was the facilitator struggling mightily to “get” another’s experience and feeling like I simply could not “get” it. Instead of staying with my own seeming inability to get her or simply being curious, I went into mild self criticism (albeit unconsciously) and became ungrounded. Some technical things going wrong helped to increase the unease. The circlee did somethings that felt threatening to me and yet I continued to try to stay and repair that rather then recover inner ground. In the second circle, I was the circlee and got to go in to the visceral experience of what it cost me to be inauthentic, to leave myself in hopes of external connection. Of course it was a perfect reflection of what I have done a million times hoping to get belonging externally. In this circle i could viscerally feel how ludicrous that is. Within minutes I had entered Spacious Presence and entered a vast inner expanse and became rooted within. Sweet relief!
In the second experience, I was able to surrender what had previously been mission impossible, let go of my holiday expectations for the most part. So when a beloved seemed to be acting unskillfully, I could just let it be without inner conflict or desire to correct or fix the other to get my way. The ability to let others be as they are, to not expect them in the name of their love for me to do what I want is truly the greatest gift of all. Why? Because for me it led to the most scrumptious feelings of connection and truly unconditional love. In other words, I do not love you for what you can do for me, for how you make me feel loved, i love you because you exist and I am eternally grateful you are willing to share your precious time with me. I had desired to know this for so long yet now it had dropped from head to heart. Truly truly, the greatest gift to feel unity beyond need, beyond even desire, to let another be exactly as they are and say yes! Perhaps these words can convey a taste of the glory, perhaps not. Even as I write these words the belly feels light up. Does that mean I have all of this down? Not at all. It does mean that I more often turn that same light within and let myself be as I am today, not some desired enlightened, awake, free being, simply mySelf portrayed as savannah exactly as she is today. In this now moment, peace.
Not surprisingly, I had to drop wayyyy down to find and image of belonging that was not externally referencing, i.e. two lovers, a circle of friends, a family. We are so conditioned to seek belonging externally that it is no wonder it can take real commitment to discover it where it resides, within.
