All my life I have sought belonging. In this now moment it is so powerful I am chocking down tears. This was triggered by watching the clip below. I had seen the movie awhile ago but in this now moment so deeply touched by the clip. In the end he says something like recognizing he is not a stranger here, not a visitor, something like that I forget.
Here is what is alive for me. In this now moment I don’t feel the belonging. Fo so long I wanted off this planet, was too overwhelmed by the chaos and violence. So I created a sanctuary of peace. And I became more connected to myself, mySelf then ever. I developed a couple of truly intimate relationships, discovered circling where I get to connect deeply each week multiple times. Yet still this sense of belonging often eludes me. When I was was swimming with the dolphins out n the open ocean, possibly about to die since the yacht had lost sight of me, I felt one of the most powerful experiences of belonging. I am crying right now remembering how I felt held, loved, supported kept safe by the pod who stayed with me until I was found over an hour later.
I have had such profound moments this year of connecting to self, Self and other. But right now I don’t feel it and the grief is sweeping me out to sea. I say yes and allow myself to be swept away. I have no clue where this grief will take me, I only know it will not drown me, rather it will further expand this heart.
I was scuba diving in Mexico with a guide and my then husband many years ago. We saw an octopus and I was so excited. They wanted to swim on but I kept pointing to the octopus tying to say I want to stay and look at it. The man had a spear gun and shot it! The ink squirted everywhere. I have grieved and grieved this moment but have not reached the bottom. I know he misunderstood, it was not his fault yet this beautiful creature died none the less. So much grief right now, so much grief.