Joy Experiment day 21:
I actually started the joy experiment in December 2018 when I made a profound vow and commitment to joy. It sure seemed to get side tracked at the time when the first half of 2019 brought 4 of my 5 most significant fears into “reality” to be faced and passed through. No mistake of course, they had to be purified. I lived on blind courage and Trust. It was NOT fun yet I got through it and recommitted to joy July 1 2019.
So there followed much more purification till June 5, 2020 where it felt like I got dropped about 20 floors down in a swift elevator from one moment to the next. I spent the next 2 months exactly struggling to clear the belief that it was possible to be an empath AND experience joy on planet earth during a planetary dark night and attempted global take down. At that time turns out the true answer I believed was no, that is not possible.
On Aug 5 (my daughter’s birthday so easy to remember the date) somehow life had conspired to disintegrate that lie and limitation. Then in October circumstances forced me to do behaviors that previously I had believed would overwhelm me so throughly there was no way I could get through them. I honestly wondered if even attempting it could lead to a heart attack. Yet I knew to stay in the old would continue to cripple me, locking me in the old, so I decided to take the risk. Then at the end of the month I felt so physically and emotionally debilitated as every spiritual teacher and their mother promised us an intense ride so we’d better buckle our seat belts. I found that so incapacitating that I knew I had to finally face this fear and let go of the sense of being victimized by my own nervous system, no matter what it took. Believe me, sleep, feeding myself little things like that not so much. I truly was not sure I’d come out on the other side.
I am delineating this as I know i am not alone with these concerns. Many of my empath friends have been on quite a little ride. The one thing I know for sure. Unless we are willing to pass through the fear barrier, we will NEVER be free. I know each of us will have a unique barrier. My beloveds who got through at the youngest ages had to have illness/ death. These are the final two egoic barriers. Mine was more about the special relationship which I had to play with for 2 decades which is the other huge ego trick to keep us ensnared. We each have our own encodement and purpose, ways of being that are divinely orchestrated.
Yesterday the day was rather blah and I felt restless. Given my new commitment for the last 3 weeks where I decree whatever happens to call it good and very good, I just moseyed through the day and was not sorry to see the back side of it. So today to wake up and sit out in a corner of sun on my deck and hear the world sigh and breath in the most absolute stillness I have ever experienced, to bath in the most radical and utter peace was most welcomed. To have the day then go on to a most heartfelt conversation with my beloved miracle buddy, scrumptious. To now complete a self circling event celebrating our senses and being infinitely moved by touching two objects sitting on my table, to be moved by the sun glistening on the rice fields, the mountains in the distance shrouded in fog, dare i name it as bliss? The inner state cannot be named but it is so exquisite.
I am taking my time to describe my experience as I know many are caught in anxiety, depression, hopeless, including some of my loved ones. It is part of my gene key to be a messenger from the future to call us forward into what I have viscerally experienced as heaven on earth. Know that there is a way out, know that these times accelerate everything so that you may come blasting from panic to paradise in 60 seconds flat. Know that we simply must pass through the fear barrier. In this I am finally truly grateful to the media and politics for making the choice so abundantly crystal clear. Which will we choose?
You can’t make this shit up! While I was editing this post I got a phone call. A financial windfall I have waited for for 10 years was said to arrived this month. The call announced that some fine print meant oops, not so much, need to wait another 3 1/2 years. My attachment to this idea dropped me from bliss to upset in a second. I have had to take my own medicine and sit for about 30 minutes fully allowing this upset, this pain, this fear to pass through me. The shift from bliss to upset is so painful that trust me, it reinforces my dedication to releasing all attachments and yes, even preferences. Took me forever to see why this is necessary but this latest whiplash has me back at the drawing board. I see nothing wrong and I await the timing of the DivineMystery, knowing it is being done for me. What a ride! And I know it is no mistake the call came at this exact moment of bliss to show me if the bliss is conditional, of course it is not yet complete.
