I am celebrating three earth guardians? stewards? doulas. Except one is a man and the definition says a doula is a woman but not in this case. I was in a circle and someone shared a challenge. As usually happens, my energy immediately went to her and I felt myself want to give her something that might mitigate her pain. Given that in circling we are not there to fix or change anyone, I knew to sit on it yet the energy, as it often is, was intense. So I spoke to it. And I was asked,, something like what happens if you don’t help. And this intense wav e of energy dropped me abut 50 floors into these vast tears that swept through me. Then I was asked about my experience of the tears and the word I answered was lovely. Then the energy moved into other people and very alive topics, explorations. Yet toward the end it came back to me and I spoke about how vast the energy felt. The second I spoke of it, I was again swept in to a tidal-wave of tears. The tsunami carried away everything in its wake, thought, proper circling protocol etc. I literally don’t remember what happened next logistically but here was the sense of it. I was moved in to this vast compassion for the suffering of the world. It was energy that only now can I put words to. Someone called me an empath and then I could say yes ,this is it.
When I was about 11 or 12 I wrote a poem:
I am alone
Or so I think
Until I see
The tears
Of all humanity
Being an empath at this particular time in history has not been an easy gig. Often it felt like mission impossible and I offered wondered if a point would come where I could not stick it. I was offered two suggestions in the circle of what might be helpful. The first was this was about needing more self love. The immediate and instantaneously answer was no, it is about the opposite. It is about finally claiming self Love for ALL of me.
In July when I was finally able to love the most traumatized the most intolerable, seemingly damaged, vulnerable, unendurable aspect of myself, anxiety and overwhelm, I dropped through a trap door into incredible self acceptance to a place where every tear is sacred now. The second suggestion was that I needed a spiritual teacher. Again came the instantaneous NO! I claimed for the first time my absolute sovereignty. I spoke to how when I am in the space of mySelf it is easy to hold the vast spaces that open up within. Yet when I am in my human, the suffering I can tap into as an empath feels absolutely unendurable. Yet as I claim mySelf in relationship, the exact message of Day 36 we explored in my ACOL group just last night (OK the synchronicity just continue to take my breath away) I can enter the vastness and hold it all. With the anchors of my three doulas/ guardians I could for the first time in some ways, open to the vastness and hold it all. All the agony, all the beauty, all the grief, all the wonder. So vast, so wondrous, so full of awe. To my beloved fellow travelers, Ashley, James and Svetlana, I told you I will never forget and I never will. Yes, we were not in the ER, we were all participating in a birth. These words are a humble attempt to name the wordless.
And while only 4 of us were in the room, everyone who has ever triggered me, ever loved me, ever supported me, ever challenged me was also there. Thank you all for the roles you have played.
