No one will know what courage it took for this one to lovingly move through some very primal fears to make the long drive I made yesterday and to do a week’s vacation alone. For some this might seem like a walk in the park. Me not.
For so much of my life I have used spirituality to kick the human to the curb, try to browbeat her into compliance. For so many years I have tried to be goody two shoes, hoping god would not smite me if I obeyed every spiritual law or practice. I had simply morphed from Catholicism to New Age cruelty. Now trust me I had gotten very subtle about it, offering love to that wounded part of self, just as long as it damn well complied and got over its story of trauma and wounding, got over being so freaking sensitive. And yes I created an identity based on the physical evidence of the five sense to say yes, this is difficult.
But this time it was different, This time I truly had compassion for how difficult this was and is for me. This time I allowed the next wave of empty nest to pass through as this is the first time I have been here without my daughter. This time I asked that inner fragile self throughout the trip what she needs. This time I listened with compassion rather then impatience to just freaking get her to get over it.
Darlings I have no idea what suffering these intense circumstances may be surfacing in your life. Here in southern California the density of fear and compliance feels stronger then I am used to. I was told I need to wear a heavy mask at the pool, that my scarf simply won’t do even though no one was at the pool sitting out. I want to go into resistance, into unfairness yet I already tried that out. I already exhausted myself trying to fight what is. The only true opportunity for me is to stop resisting.
The drive down was one of the smoothest I ever made because I had no resistance to the numerous drivers who passed on the inside going maybe 90 or 100mph. I had no resistance to the Starbucks app failing miserably. I had little resistance to the half an hour line to get a drink. Yes, Eckhart, it was and is as it is. My miracle buddy said I must stop resisting the whole virus thing. Sometimes I feel caught in an Orwellian nightmare. I can’t belief how profoundly our immune and quality of life are being impacted and so many are still saying yes and amen. A friend and I spoke of it for an hour until I realized I simply cannot keep resisting what is and expect any quality of life. I have no clue how to stop resisting and move into surrender to what is. I have no clue how you must face and move through your own inner programming and demons, what my friend calls the inner Armageddon. I only know the only way out is through. So Suzie (inner child) my buddy Jeez and I are on the case, step by step compassionately surrendering to what is. And yes the fact that the suicides out number the virus deaths at least in Australia and are certainly mounting in the USA makes me want to scream and yell and I allow that of course, the tears the grief, the rage. And then I simply get on with it. Because the birth pains of this new earth are simply unfolding. Might as well say yes. Yes I know and feel how much more I am embodying, BEING, one with the Eternal. Yet I am through with the ideal self who wants to speed this up and get over the now moment. Been there and got the T-shirt and all that brings me is pain. The wizard wasn’t kidding, there is no place like Home and the only way I have real eyes-ed to get there is to surrender.
