ah crap, here is another energy dialing in. My miracle buddy and I have been processing why we were both called to Israel a year ago. It did not turn out as either or us planned or hoped for. I thought I was going to walk in Jesus’s footsteps and remember my connection to that ancient time. Just as I was typing I real eyes it is the exact opposite.
I now see it was to support me in reclaiming my own footsteps. Until recently I was very devoted to having a mentor, a teacher, a book, a path, a direction. Now I would say I am rather wandering in the wilderness being shown just the next step in front of me, little more. Oh how I have longed for certainty, longed to BE MYSELF. The sense of homecoming often moves me to tears. Yet in the last year I have attracted several men into my life that are either up in stars, in a blimp, in a sovereign state that still feels like separation to me. But turns out the reason it bugged me with their more blatant examples is because I have the same challenge.
Just reading a post by my friend Theresa and witnessing her dirty face and raw courage as she breaks down strong preferences and is willing to appear in all her earth covered glory, I now see how much I have chased spirituality in order to ditch my humanity. Being here was simply too raw, too chaotic, too rough seemingly for this sensitive heart. So let’s play in heaven and forget this messy business of being human. Let me sit on my hill far from the maddening crows (was suppose to say crowds yet crows fits.)
Here is what is dialing in. I need to jettison ALL ideas of who I am, all theories, all systems and simply BE moment to moment whatever shows up. My friend John Mark told me to take all my sacred texts that I have literally spent 2 decades studying and throw them on a bonfire! whoa! While I seldom look at them anymore I do adore the communities that have sprung up around them as the people I meet are so alive, real, vulnerable, intimate etc for the most part. So much connection.
Yet I can now see how much I have tried to cling to the security of having someone else tell, show me the way from Jesus, to Mary (literally my first teacher, Mary Hulnick of the University of Santa Monica,) to Eckhart, to Luis, to Karl, To Matt, to ACIM, TWOM, ACOL, to Nouk, to John Mark, to David. I bless each of you for all you have brought me and tears arise as I decide to step out alone, with no path, no knowns and see where the Now lands me. I have been guided by ACOL to only focus on the joy, on the new possibilities, on the creation yet in the Now I feel this is not MY WAY. Holy shit, I have the authority, nay the decree? command? mandate? to step completely on to fluid territory without seeming guidance. Yet the guidance is always within, this heart pointing true north. tears arise, I know I am on to something important. When I met my wasband, we were stumbling our way “home” in Barra de Navidad after one too many. I said to him, “Just put one foot in front of the other.” Guess I will take my own advice.
