I carried this little magnet with me for two world trips while I was outside of the United States for 5 1/2 years. This little magnet was an anchor that gave me a feeling of safety. It says “no matter what no matter where it’s always Home if Love is there.” Yet what I am discovering is that to seek love externally always leads to suffering.
This is a very difficult truth to face. What I am witnessing is that to be attached to even small pleasures that are externally based also is a certain source of suffering. This is a very difficult truth both to witness and then to face. Yet for me the cost of any separation has become so excruciating that I will traverse any terrain to return home to the only place that love can truly reside, within. I am willing to look at the cost of even small attachments and see how they always lead to expectations, that, if not met, leads to sadness or pain. Yesterday I decided to cut myself off from all external contact to see what would happen when left 100% to my own inner experience. I would allow contact with no one to anchor me. I real eyesed that all my life I have felt anchored in and by another from my mother, to boyfriends, to husband, to child, to friends and partners. While I have now let probably about 97% of the last entanglements and specialness go, that last bit is kicking up a storm.
I thought I was done when I let go of the specialness with my daughter (yea!) yet turns out not so much. I can still get jerked by that last bit. Yet yesterday I was fueled ONLY by BEING LOVE, the Love within, Source, however you want to put it. And what a day it was. I literally was dancing as I finally had the energy to begin to clean the tornado that had hit this house, leaving it unpicked up for long periods. It was straight out of a Disney flick as I whistled while I worked, sweeping away cobwebs. To be 100% Sourced within was a gift from the gods. Yet today is another day and that joy is fading and I can feel the pull of preferences again. I never understood the cost until now. In fact when this Truth was presented to me, it pissed me off. For now simply being with the sensations that arise when my seeming preferences are not met. A play in progress. I now see how thought keeps me anchored in mind, ah to be beyond it.
