Exactly a month ago my last special relationship slipped out of my life. While the deepest part of me knows it was by soul agreement and absolutely necessary to claim my freedom, I still experience moment of grief and loneliness. Yesterday I let go of a group I have facilitated for a year and today another group that i have been part of for two years. I hear the siren song of the old begging me to return to safety, to let go of these cray ideas of absolute freedom. Yet my direct experience tells me otherwise. In the last two weeks I experienced a place beyond duality, to where loved ones were acting in ways that most would agree were rather unskillful and I felt nothing but love! Then I accessed a place within of absolute Wholeness! I real eyes-ed I had never had this experience before, previous mystical experience had always been perceived as occurring with some external God. So when I felt this absolute Wholeness, complete within myself, needing nothing or no one more, it was a very quiet yet extraordinary bliss. Yet today as I let go of almost all of the structures that propped me up in the old, helped me feel grounded, I feel like i am suspended in mid air with nothing to hold me. The feeling of Wholeness is no longer there, loneliness is crying for my attention. Yet this time I am able to hold her tenderly, not kick her to the curb, hear her pleads to turn back yet gently assure her it is too late for that. I am committed to my heart’s desire. I just heard a beloved friend seems to have found her heart’s desire after many twist and turns. I have held steady for myself before. Yet in this moment, cherishing the one who feels not up to it, doesn’t have the courage or tenacity, just wants mommy to make it all better. I don’t really know how, yet i choose to love all of this messy thing called life. p.s. I have to share this detail even though feels so silly. Coming to the end of about 5 months of watching West Wing and am truly frightened to only have a few episodes left. We are such darling, fragile, powerful, quixotic, brave, frightened beings and my challenge is to say yes to the whole bloody, messy, glorious enchilada.
Had trouble finding a good image. All the ones of people jumping off cliff looked like they did so happily, me I am shaking in my boots jumping while still a large part of me in the now is saying no no no! third one comes a little bit close.
