A tender post of vulnerability:
Since my vow to holy relationship a month ago, a lot has been on the move. For three days I was in a space of only wanting to give, being willing to extend the giving to EVERYONE I met, no exceptions. The joy that ensued, supported so richly by nature’s song of crashing waves lulling my heart beat was mana from heaven. To escape the ego’s clutches of giving to get, neediness, false responsibility, control, hidden guilt was pure miracle. Yet when I returned home, Holy Spirit’s use of contrast was back, particularly for about 20 minutes where I fell into the hole of neediness again before my body sent out smoke signals alerting me to danger. I witnessed the trap and gave the energies coursing through my body safe passage, welcoming them in all there tumultuous agitation until they quickly subsided on their own.
Yet the contrast continues, I have willingly unleashed a hunger that has consumed me all my life, to connect, for intimacy, to be seen and known, to love and be loved. I am not talking about an intimate partner although that certainly is part of my knowing vision. I am talking about all my relations, by which I mean all of humankind. Yes, human kind. We would all be kind if we knew ourselves as the Love that we are. Instead we are all grasping for crumbs of love, desperately trying to get what we need at any expense.
The recent local suicides highlight this crying need. Too many are seeking the love that was never enough in their life, not knowing to look within first. It is hard to look within without at least a taste from without. But I digress. Here is what is up for me. The yearning is such a raging torrent that I spent much of my life dampening it down. For a decade, I managed to throw all of it in the dungeon and become a walking cemetery, dead inside without any emotional expression. That obviously didn’t work so I crawled back out and was gifted with one person I could see as completely innocent which began another layer of the healing journey. Seeing one person as completely innocent slowly returned me to my own innocence.
Yet this recent vow for holy relationship has unleashed powerful energies within me. I can feel the urge to shut it back down as the force of it feels so primal. Yet I will not. I love my current profile picture because it calls on my wild side. The wind was so strong it almost knocked me off my feet, the crashing waves a cacophony shutting down thought. My mind is screaming at me to turn back, to let go of the siren song of true community, intimacy, connection, with all my relations yet my heart will not be stilled. I intend to know myself as the embodiment of Love, as Christ consciousness, as a child of God. I have unleashed the power and intent of my life’s vision to be Love and I will not shut it down despite so many inner voices warning me to turn back. I have released all the brakes on my emotions which are a lighthouse directing me Home.
I know ultimately my emotions will be subsumed in a vast knowing of embodied pure Love. Until then I say YES and let them lead the way to Love. It feels as though I am sitting on rocket fuel, highly combustible yet I still stay with single pointed focus dedicated to the one thing I value, the one thing I know to be true, the one thing that gives my life meaning. No word can capture it yet the closest the English language can begin to speak it is: Love.
