in the field beyond right doing and wrong doing, let’s meet there

I had a very powerful experience yesterday. I had a conflict with a friend and had fallen into a deep feeling of guilt as I was discovering I could not meet my friend’s needs in the way I was interpreting them. This lead to PROFOUND guilt as my interpretation of what I perceived to be the definition of a good friend came into conflict with my need for self care. I felt tremendously guilty and began to feel resentment and impatience with the friend. The situation came to a head yesterday as she called me on some thing that happened and asked that we talk about it. I had 24 hours to move out of the charged space I was in. I had been trying for months, how could I do it in 24 hours!?! I kept TRYING until I got how I was using control and how that was not working so I dropped it all and surrendered, that mysterious word, surrendered. Low and behold some of the charge dropped off. Then I had the chance to talk it out with a lovely wise friend (thank you Utopia.) I grew calm and quiet. I stopped blaming myself. The minute I stopped feeling guilty, space opened up for my friend. In the past when conflict arose, based on childhood conditioning, I tended to see the person on the other side of the conflict as a monster I had to keep myself safe from. All that illusion dropped from my eyes abruptly before we talked and I saw my beloved friend again. It became ok that we might have different perceptions and needs. I had been truly anxious about it, scared I would lose the friendship if I spoke out my own inner feelings. Yet I was losing my own self respect as I kept denying and dishonoring my own inner feelings of depletion and discomfort. Long story short, when we spoke all dropped away and it was just two people lovingly sharing their different experiences and needs. We did not come to full resolution, just a commitment to continue the dance with integrity and honesty. It was such an eye opener to be able to resolve conflict without high drama or anyone needing to be wrong. Neither of us was right, neither was wrong. Such glory to be in that field of love again.