I have been chewing on some uncomfortable situations for some time, asking for guidance to let go of the feelings in separation within. I love how quickly support shows up and helped me answer my own questions which turn out to be related. The pieces fell into place this morning.
In one situation, I find myself getting resentful when I over give and end up taking on too much responsibility for others. When people ask for my help or want me to hold with them in their pain, sometimes that feels delicious and in integrity and sometimes it feels draining and exhausting. Yet I would guilt and shame myself for saying no and then berate myself for not being “spiritual” enough or a good enough person.
On the other side, when a loved one was unable or unwilling to meet my neediness, I end up passively aggressively taking some energetic potshots, convinced the person was being unloving, unkind. I wanted to have this person take responsibility for my pain, my feelings of uncertainty, my need to be sure this person loves and admires me. I did not see how the two situations were related until now. They are two sides of the same coin. Here is what I now see. I am not here to meet another’s neediness and no one is here to meet mine. That is between me and the Mystery, between the other and the Divine. When other’s asked me to fill their needs I now sometimes get a pain in the pit of my stomach. When I ask another to fill my needs and they refuse, I feel as though I am punched in the gut. I then want to use non violent communication or “I” statements to manipulate them into meeting my needs. Really !?! Yet many counselors and therapist encourage us in this no win attempt to get our needs met in a place they can never be answered. Don’t get me wrong. I adore supporting loved ones, friends, strangers when it feels good to me and is in integrity. I adore having loved ones care for me and support me. Only I can tell when it crosses the line and the red flag is discomfort in my body. I can not expect or demand another to meet my all my needs or any of my emptiness. This is between me and the Divine. I was able to talk this out with a few friends but an old book I had not seen in years and just “happened” upon answered my deepest questions. I first read the book eight years ago and it is unbelievable how much more of it is landing this time. It is too complex to explain what I learned and I know this is a mind-bender for many so I will refer you to the book which is so perfect for me right now it is blowing my mind, will re-read it. It is A Gift of Love, Marriage as a Spiritual Journey by Ann Tremaine Linthorst. I am no longer married yet Truth is Truth and applies to all relationships.
I want to share just a few key points. From the book page 94. “In the spiritual quest 
self-shoulding is a major monkey-wrench.” And how! We are so intent on inner self mastery we tend to beat ourselves up for falling short, so not helpful. On page 121 she talks about how we need to find our own issue and stick with it rather then making others wrong by scanning for what they are doing that makes us feel bad. It is up to us to resolve the separation within others may trigger. It is not another’s job to make us feel whole. I know this one is a toughie especially perhaps for women. If only we could talk the other sweetly in to making us feel better, feel loved. Sorry! That is our job and if the other chooses to help us along fantastic. But it is not their job. Of course the other side it is not our job to hold another’s pain or answer their questions. Yes, it is my life purpose and greatest joy to extend compassion and love to others. Yet it is up to me to honor when it feels good and when it doesn’t, when it is supportive and when it might be allowing the other or myself to wallow, stay stuck longer then necessary. It can be a very tricky line to know what is what. Is it compassion or co-dependency, supportive or enabling? Only we can know the answers for ourselves.
Ah, how succulent to find my may to freedom in all of this, such sweet relief. Thanks Utopia, for the conversation and encouragement.