A major part of my purpose is to support others in remembering their own Divine Presence. It is seven years ago this month I was dropped down the rabbit hole from one minute to the next where the ego began to unravel extremely rapidly. Of course at the time it just felt like I was floundering and struggling to survive. The energies I was asked to pass through felt so incredibly primal. Over the years it has lightened up yet was still intense until sometime in August. There has been such a sea change for me I want to detail it a bit. I consider part of my work to be a “post cards from the edge” type of transmission, describing one fool’s (said with loving tongue in cheek) journey of awakening. So I am asking myself how everything has changed so abruptly and is so significantly easier. Yes, for many years after the initial blast of energies that forced me, often on hands and knees, sometimes slithering on my belly, to go deeper, to find another way, to become vigilant for Love I would swing wildly between extremes of peace and torment. Over the last few years it became much gentler but the last six weeks or so are radically different. A constant current of unease has dropped away. I sometimes have a silly half smile on my face. I no longer fear I can’t survive, won’t make it, can’t handle the increasingly powerful upgrades in energy. So I asked myself what is different. About half a year ago I read something about how many of us remain in the 5th stage of the six stages of awakening (from A Course in Miracles) and that the way out is Trust with a capital “T.” One area of my life was very scary to me still then. So I dove into trust full out. How? When fear or unease arose I dove into the physical sensations in the body, loved the one having the experience, checked to see if I had any false beliefs to deconstruct (Byron Katie’s 4 questions work great here) and then affirmed my intent to trust all is, was, will be well. I did it over and over, every time I caught myself lost in fear.
Then in August I had a very choppy beginning of the month while on vacation in southern California. I felt a great deal of anxiety again. The whole experience helped me uncover the belief that it was seriously possible that the increasing energies might become too much for me, drive me crazy, make life not worth living. Yet miraculously with incredible grace, just naming the belief shifted it and it dropped away. Since then I definitely have experienced rage, anger, disappointment, sadness, loneliness etc. But it seems less like it is me experiencing it. They don’t feel so heavy. There is more space around them. There is an inner emptiness that feels so good. I no longer identify with problems or believe them in the same way. I almost never fear them as they are currently arising, even though the major players of “problems” in my life have not shifted and remained the same as ever. So I am no longer looking to circumstances to define how I feel. I no longer feel so attached to this problem self. I believe more fully in miracles and wonder how they will unfold in my life. I often say “it appears as though…” I have this or that problem and I await how it will resolve itself and it does. I don’t feel afraid. I still get pissed off, blame myself or others but it generally feels more muted. Even when the fiery heat of rage arose once, I just watched it with curiosity. A couple of times I fell back into full identification with the problem yet quickly moved into curiosity. For me, this whole journey was so challenging and problematic that even though the increased love and peace in my life made it worthwhile, I still wasn’t sold on life on earth. Now I feel actual excitement wondering what might show up in my life. I get such deep satisfaction from my service work in the jail, now with teenagers, with my writing. I am much more interested in how to share my gifts while my attention to problems has more or less evaporated.
I feel passionate about my work, most of which I do for free yet I trust I will be provided for (most of the time.) I feel a sense of being home within, a miracle for sure, a sense of self-belonging hard to put into words. Finally, after all these years, the space in which I reside is peaceful, generally loving and satisfying enough that I want to stick around and see what miracles might show up next.