The internal shifts this year have been immense. I began the fire and brimstone phase of this adventure seven years ago next month. For several years it was do or die time. Then the intensity began to diminish but still was the dominant force in my life. When I look back even a year, I can hardly fathom how much more free, loving, peaceful, aware I am. Yet I still get occasional baths into MAJOR ferocity. Yet since I shifted the belief last month that my nervous system could not continue to handle increasing intensity of the energies indefinitely, I have been caressed by a gentleness and freedom that is new. So through this eclipse cycle I have been pleasantly surprised at how calm it has been. Yes last night I again felt my spine could snap because it felt so brittle, I again hardly got much sleep and my house has devolved into Lord of the Flies in terms of neatness and cleanliness yet still I am at peace.
Last October the energy I used to call anxiety came up with a vengeance. I had danced with this energy full time until the late 90’s when I discovered the there was a state of being where one was not tense all the time, i.e. I discovered I WAS anxious and it was possible to NOT be anxious. So I continued to have greater periods of inner peace until last year when it came to a breaking point. I had to shift my relationship to anxiety as I felt I could no longer tolerate the intensity of anxiety I still occasionally experienced. When anxiety came up powerfully for over two weeks, I was forced on hands and knees to a deep surrender. I had to say if this never ends I will survive it. It. Was. Not. Easy. Yet within a few days I had such peace and my relationship to anxiety shifted where I could often feel the tension without labeling it as anxiety. The thought was just at the back of my mind, oh yea, this is what is called anxiety. Fast forward to now. Yes, my spine was so stiff my daughter pummeled it for an hour and it still felt like a steel rod of contraction. Yet here is the miracle. I literally NEVER thought of it as anxiety until I decided to write about my history of anxiety. I totally trust I am feeling it as it is leaving my field. I have no expectations, anticipations, requirements about when or how. It is just energy, pure and simple. I adore and have compassion for the one having this experience. There is no separation between me and my experience. I love it all.
The peace and harmony that comes from this total self acceptance is immeasurable. A few weeks ago someone said something that felt hurtful and sad. Last night the person said the same thing and I did not take it personally and felt totally neutral, aware the person was just telling me their own experience. I was able to listen to a relative say all the things she always said and feel only love and compassion. Can you image the joy of this inner freedom? It is available to each of us beloveds. Devote yourself to the path of freedom and you are sure to arrive at the place you never left, Home.
remembering the joy of being
I understand everything you are saying, and have within the last few years similar inner struggles! I too ended on my knees surrending, and that seemed to be the missing link for me! A lot had to do with siblings that once were close , and after a parents death, and eventually the aging of a mother that mostly , I felt, on my shoulders! Last night after a beautiful wedding reception in the Berkely Hills, I finally felt able to just let go! The journey continues ! God Bless?
Ah Julie,
So glad you found relief! Sending you love and hugs for continued surrender.
savannah
Your posts as always are so powerful, freeing and full of love! Thank you for sharing the personal parts of your journey. It helps to know I’m not alone and to see how you apply the heart centered way of being in your life. That it was “not easy” but you moved into a different way of being in relationship with it is of interest to me.
I was especially connecting to how you surrendered to the anxiety. For 15 years I’ve been having migraine attacks, sometimes up to 14 days in a months time. They are not just headaches. I literally am in so much pain I can’t function. (In 2001, after 3 days of vomiting I ended up in the ER with severe dehydration, so learned that I have to act on the pain) However, as of last week I can no longer take immitrex or maxalt to control the pain due to the side effects being so severe, as I’ve been using them so long. I.e. Severe chest pain and severe stomach pain and low blood pressure. 70/50. My only option left is a toridol shot at the doctors office or at the ER if on weekends. And then only one allowed a month, as they are hard on the kidneys.
So given where I’m at now with my lack of pain control options I now have no choice but to totally be in surrender. With that said, being in surrender is not new to me. I’ve attempted it before as I’m not one who likes to take meds and have an illness own me.
I tried to surrender last Dec. as the immitrex had stopped working. I failed at that (and other attempts) as the pain was so severe!
Last Dec I had no one helping me (closed door and no one checking on me for an entire day and into the night. Any movement is agony!) and the pain so bad I actually decided to check out. This was another 3 days non stop of not keeping water down, my resolve simply vanished. The agony! I was desperate to finally have it stop. I had a bag over my head and was half way thru (my estimate) when I received the message that I ‘could continue on if I wanted, but that I’d just be passing this on to my daughter.’ The thought of that literally stopped me.
I knew the emotional pain I’d put everyone thru would be intense, and that has stopped me in the past. But after being hammered with them so long and so close together and not feeling like I had the help available, well, it became too much. However that message got thru to me. No way was I passing that along! I’ll just have to suffer no matter what.
So here I sit, knowing that soon at some point I will be in the hot seat, so to speak, and will once more be looking at the option of just trying to survive!
Like you, I too have been through some very dense, heavy, emotional pain and traumas and have come out the other side into freedom. However, I’m not sure about this. I’ve tried countless natural paths, doctors, alternative healers, diets. I’m now on a retirement income with kaiser as my medical. Keeping a job is not possible.
If you, in all of your contacts and stories know of something, any insights and help is appreciated.
“I now have no choice but to totally be in surrender.” I hear and honor your level of desperation. Discovering the true essence of what this means is the magic that freed me yet impossible to put in words.
I am so sorry your situation is so extreme and painful. I know my connection to my daughter was also necessary glue at one point of this crazy journey. I wish I had an easy answer. I can tell you that the one thing that has made a difference to me, the one piece most clients and students struggle with is turning in to all of it, allowing the agony and fear to arise. Most of us have to be desperate before we are finally willing to allow ourself to feel what is arising in the body yet this is the doorway to freedom. When we access cellular memory, we open to the wisdom of the Universe that knows exactly what to do to untangle old conditioning and trauma. In my experience, all physical conditions have a mind/ body correlation that can help ease matters. For me it is what began to free me of anxiety and all other whoas in a way that nothing else did. Have you gone that route?
If not, I’d be happy to offer you a free 20 minute consolation to see if cellular memory integration is something that might serve you. Message or email me if that is of interest. In the meantime I will light a candle for you and pray you find surcease.
much love,
savannah
savannah@raisedinlove.com
This is Beautiful Savannah.
You really are a real Earth Angel and an inspiration to many souls.
Much love to you and to all here. ❤️
Thank you Beloved, your words nourish my being, nectar of the gods, thank you and welcome. Thank you for your love and please make yourself at home here. Anything yu wish to contribute is much appreciated.
I’ve heard that Botox will help some people with severe migraines. It’s not pleasant – a lot of injections at one session, but if it works it lasts for quite awhile. (several months, if I remember right) My physiatrist says he has done it. Not sure if Kaiser does, but it might be worth investigating.
Good luck. Sending prayers and love to you.
I also had a friend who gave up chocolate and wheat and her migraines went away.
Cindy your question stayed with me through the night. Physical pain is so debilitating and not easy to work with. I am sure it feels so immovable and hopeless. When I was working with the physical and debilitating side of anxiety it felt like mission impossible, like something that I had zero ability to shift. The physical aspect of it felt the most concrete, the least pliable. Yet over time as I worked with it, allowed the physical experience to be there and to witness it as it arose in my body, surrendering it, the symptoms eventually, over a long period, went away on their own. Pain can be tricky on so many levels. I know Matt Kahn had to dive into the sensation of dying every day for two years. The book “Dying to be Me” came to mind for some reason as I thought of you, how she got free of cancer. Another book is “Memory in the Cells” by Luis Diaz. Editing this book helped me understand more clearly a process of liberation that worked for me. I do know it is essential we love the aspect of ourself that is suffering. When I think of your situation, I feel the despair. For me I would have to dive into the despair and allow it fully with all the ways it feels in my body, bless and love the part of myself that feels so desperate, have incredible compassion for myself. I did light a candle for you and pray somehow any of this will be helpful. with love, savannah
A friend reads my post and asked me to pass this on Cindy; she said you should have your atlas adjusted, she has seem miracles with this. There is a Dr. Lubecki in Sacramento who does this, let me know if you want further information or contact with my friend who could give you more information.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Omg! I’ve been looking for a chiropractor that does that! THANK YOU! I had an accident to my neck in high school gymnastics! Wouldn’t that be amazing if that was the cause!?!?
I had pain in my left thigh for 2 years with no one knowing the cause. I went to my regular doctors and 3 different chiropractors with no success. Then I went to a forth chiropractor, (who by the way was a brother of one of the chiropractors I’d tried) and without x~ rays he noted my leg bone was not seated all the way in my hip socket. He fixed it and in 28 days the pain was gone!
So, yes! Please! His name!
Dr. Lubecki in Sacramento. Message or email me if you need more info and I could put you in contact with my friend. I tend to try to resolve everything emotionally when sometimes it is primarily structural.
“my house has devolved into Lord of the Flies in terms of neatness and cleanliness”
I sure can relate to that! Made me chuckle. With all the stuff that’s going on since my brother’s death – emotional and paperwork, etc. – the apartment that’s never really spotless is quite a mess. However, it doesn’t seem all that important….and there are cleaning services. Glad to have you writing about anxiety again – helpful for us who are still working on it.
I haven’t been sleeping real well the last few nights either – but I blame it on the full moon, which often has that effect.
Love and blessings to you. <3 Hope your back loosens up soon.
Beloved,
Sleeplessness seems to be one of the most common symptoms, had it on and off myself. Sorry your house is messy too but glad I am not alone. Sending you love as you face the aftermath of your brother’s death, I know that can not be easy.
Yes, freeing myself of the torment of anxiety feels like winning the Nobel Peace Prize or climbing Mt. Everest; it is do-able.
Thanks, my back is relaxed today, hurray!
love to you dear friend,
savannah
BJ, I too send much love to you. May you be blessed with much love and peace as you move thru the process of grief and sadness from the passing of your brother.
And like you and Savannah, my house has been looking rather interesting, as well as the lack of sleep issues. W/o proper sleep somethings gotta give!
Bless us all with much love and peace as we ascend into our hearts and acclimate these powerful energies of transmutation!
I once barely slept for six weeks and was a nut case and still periodically have minimal sleep like last night?. Blessings on that one too.