Two days ago a loved on was in a very bad mood. It was a day where I too had some challenges and was not feeling my strongest. Yet I managed to stay neutral in the face of anger directed to me, even though in the past this was my biggest trigger. Given my conditioning, I saw it as a miracle I was able to stay feeling safe, my nervous system non reactive despite the level of energy directed at me. It was clear my loved one was having a hard time and didn’t need me to add to it by reacting. I sent love as best I could. Not surprisingly the energy shifted fairly quickly and later this loved one helped me with a very onerous project that was vital to me, without being asked. This was such a beautiful example of the power of compassion for me. Later I realized I was feeling drained and had some resentment at how much energy it had taken for me to stay neutral. I let my frustration out in little bursts. Yet later still I had a chance to reflect on how often this person had held for me through difficult times, shifted my energy through being held in love, how much this person had contributed to me and it was so easy to let the resentment go. This is my great desire for the planet, that we can all learn to love and support each other through good times and bad. Ah, such a world is already alive in my heart.
The other thing that I am becoming aware of is a remnant from my Catholic upbringing yet I am guessing many of us carry the same energy, an “if, then” energy. I was seeing very subtle ways I was trying to win the approval of a punishing or old testament God who was waiting for me to be good before showering me with goodies, until He (always a He) would fulfill my life dreams. So subtle I almost didn’t catch it but I saw I considered volunteering more at the jail even though I didn’t have the time or energy for it with the very understated hope that then HE would hand over my heart’s desire, Whoa! If I do this, then the Universe will reward me. Is that really how it works? I heart not. (yes I know I made heart a verb, works for me.)
The final thing I am aware of this morning; in the middle of the night I could not sleep. This is now something yummy for me; I don’t fight it or try to make myself sleep, fearing exhaustion that plagued me so long. Instead I am just present to it and ended up picking up and reading something that answered the very question I am asking about the one area of my life that has had so little direct movement for so many years. The answer was there in plain English yet I watched it bounce off the edge of my awareness. That is ok too because I know it will land when it is ready. Loving it all and no surprise I then fell into the deepest, most powerful sleep.
remembering the joy of being
