more on facing inner monsters plus Matt Kahn’s talk on welcoming our demons

I know we are all told to love what is but for me that was mission impossible when it came to anxiety. When I realized last month that anxiety was the joy thief in my life, robbing me of years of my life lost either in anxiety or the fear it would return, I knew I had to do something. I realize I became a therapist primarily to help myself find a way out. I then learned to do something called Cellular Memory Release and learned how to face and feel the fear, stop running and have the embodied experience of the energy moving in my body. I then had longer and longer periods without anxiety. But October rolled around and feeling it was not making it go away as it had in the past. In fact it kept increasing until it reached panic levels, something I had not experienced in years. Nothing was working and I finally saw that everything I had done, all the ways I had seen myself as a freak of nature for having such a sensitive nervous system, feeling like I just could not adapt to life on this planet had brought me to this moment. I realized that EVERYTHING I had done was to make anxiety go away and stay away. Yet I had come to the eye of the needle and there was no passing through while carrying hatred and disgust for that part of me. It was October 26th and I again had the feeling I just could not make it here, the tension in my body felt unbearable. The whole history of what anxiety had cost me felt like it would crush me. I swear to you I only made the choice because all other options were closed. I decided to welcome my anxiety as a guest, to say come in, sit down, stay as long as you need. thank you so much for the compassionate heart you have gifted me with. Thank you for insisting I find another way. Thank you for guiding me to a world beyond the ordinary, an inner world of richness, for taking me to all those workshops, master’s degree etc. You have been my faithful companion. Stay as long as you need. Stay forever if you must. I cannot guarantee my body can withstand it but OK, I chose to adore you because you are such an integral part of me.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am crying as I write this. It took every ounce of courage I had and then some. I called on every guide in the Universe to give me strength. It would be gorgeous if it evaporated in that moment as Matt’s asthma did. No such luck. It stayed at a high pitch for several more days but it was bearable. My own resistance had melted and a new spaciousness, a new self love and appreciation, a new awareness of my own divinity was exposed. The anxiety stayed for 5 more days until I woke up at peace. My life has not been the same since. I am now doing exactly the same thing with the other monster that had plagued me much of my life, scarcity consciousness. I am doing it to my attachment to money, how I see it as the source of safety in my life. I write in detail as I know so many are at this point. MAtt’s talk with John Burgos which Halia Walters so beautifully transcribed is about this exact challenge. I feel a love and spaciousness, an openness I have never known. I feel safer in my skin then I have ever felt. Before I welcomed anxiety, it was a monster that could pounce at any moment, could rob me of joy so I was always on the lookout, always in protection mode. All that has evaporated. Twice since that week I have felt an intense energy in my body. I can now say I have moved beyond the rigid identity of one who has suffered from anxiety. I literally did not experience it as anxiety. There was no label, just extremely uncomfortable sensations in the body. I see over and over in my work with clients, with myself, listening to callers with Matt it is these rigid identities that keep us locked in pain. Until we can turn and welcome them, they will never free us; instead by loving them, we free ourselves and the word, opening up to a inner vastness. I know it is super challenging. And I know we can all do this. I have written about this extensively on my blog. Message me if reading more would support you. I love and adore you. I know we can each face our inner monsters and tame them, make them our friends, see the gifts they have brought to us. May you be blessed with the courage to face your monsters and come out free on the other side.

From Matt Kahn talk on Beyond the Ordinary show, transcriped by Halia Walters:

Talking to a part of yourself that you may have been resisting loving or rejecting, ie; a physical issue, a disease, a sense of lack, a fear, a judgment, a relationship that is stressful, a condition that has surfaced, etc. Matt said that he used this process to overcome 30 years of asthma. If you have several issues that come to mind, prioritize.
Relax, close your eyes, focus on your issue and say:
“I am sorry that I have judged you harshly and forgotten that you are a catalyst of divinity no matter how you were sent or how you appear in my life. I realize you are bringing to my attention an opportunity for me to enter into SUCH an accelerated journey of healing by the imbalance, disease, or other conditions that have come to me. As of this moment, I no longer judge myself for what I have manifested, no longer judge others for what I seem to be dealing with, and instead, I realize that I have manifested this to grow in consciousness, to manifest what I have previously judged as less or lacking , as something less than the Light, and it’s my opportunity to change my relationship with life.
Thank you for being in my life. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You are beautiful and wonderful just as you are and maybe instead of asking myself how can the universe heal and clear this out of my field, what if I take a revolutionary step? What if I say to the disease, “ What can I do for you to give you a better experience of me, how can I serve you, dear sweet pain?”
Let us remember the 2 word mantra that becomes the invitation of how to compliment what we are trying to heal without rejecting it, the 2 word mantra of : THANK YOU”. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for guaranteeing that my love becomes unconditional. Thank you for being immune to all of my spiritual negotiation and manipulation. Thank you for not allowing me to turn away from this invitation to love myself. Thank you for the opportunity to be a steadfast teacher in my life and to only bring to my attention how much more support and love I need to give to myself even if I live in a world where everyone seems to be concerned with everyone else except for me. Thank you for ensuring that my healing will be more complete when my love has become more unconditional in nature. Thank you. I love having you in my life.
Hello beautiful catalyst of consciousness. hello disease, hello imbalance, hello loss, hello disappointment, hello victimhood. What can I do to serve your journey? How can I make your experience of me better? How can I be more interested in serving you, instead of what I am trying to get rid of? How can I turn inward and just compliment and honour this disease, illness, issue, like it is a child just begging for love and approval? You are perfect the way you are, even if I hate the experience you provide. I know you’re only here to be loved even if I hate the way it feels in my body. How can I create the best experience while you’re within me? I know this won’t last forever but I know this will go on until I change the way I relate to myself, instead of insisting things change within me first.
How can I serve your experience? Let me be your companion. Let me be your friend. Let me make my love unconditional as a benefit for all I will encounter.
Thank you for this disease. Thank you for this encounter. Thank you for this imbalance. Thank you for this pain. Thank you for this adversity. Thank you for this opportunity to bare my soul and become more honest, loving, complimentary, than ever before. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

anxiety doll I made to help me embrace anxiety, literally; hugging this doll which is so chaotic it could evoke anxiety in my body helped me learn to finally fully accept it