turning into the pain

I am sitting outside on a cool breezy day after two scrumptious days of rain, with clear skies and vistas stretching to forever. This seems a perfect metaphor for my internal experience. Just eight days ago my personal hell peaked after experiencing challenging energies in my being for much of October. While I was blessed with a week away from the discomfort while I was in Nevada, the rest of the month was filled with increasingly difficult energies most would label as anxiety. I had spent my life learning to heal this condition and it is the main reason I became a therapist. I had learned to feel what ever arose and then generally within a certain period of time it would subside. But this time it did not work. I could notice that the intensity varied from mild to crisis level. I could understand and even believe in the distant recesses of my mind that the energy was serving me. Yet it got to the point where I wondered if I could take much more. It was reminiscent of a time about 5 1/2 years ago where I cracked and said out load, I am not sure if I can survive this. I want to die. This memory kept me from going fully to that place but it was close. I wondered if my nervous system could take much more. It felt like eternity, like it would never end.

I prayed for help and it arrived with a lesson I knew by head but not by heart. I had always turned into these difficult energies and by feeling them could heal them. Heavens, that is what I do professionally, I know the drill. But this time it would not budge as it had a bigger lesson to impart. This time NOTHING worked and I was forced to dig deeper. So on October 26th I had reached the end of my rope and the Universe kindly kept my feet on the fire by having a number of very unnerving things happen simultaneously until my nerves were dancing fire storms, my spine was a rod of steel except that it felt as though it was also a brittle bone destined to snap at any moment. My stomach was a pit of writhing snakes, coiling upon themselves. My head was cotton candy stuffed with bowling balls. My faith was in the toilet and I was crying for mercy. A distant memory awakened and I knew it was time to do what I had never had the courage to do before. I did not do it willingly, only desperation forced me to try my last possibility; to be with it WITHOUT  the intent of making it go away. My mind cried out it was impossible, I would not survive much longer, crazed by the discomfort. Yet my heart held my hand and I said yes to the energy, yes to my experience, yes to seeing it as serving me, yes to never knowing when or if it would ever go away. Something someone said at my Mastery group that night pushed me over the top. He said we pray for help from the Universe but do not recognize or appreciate it when it shows up because it often looks far different from what we hoped for, expected, imagined. AMEN brother. For whatever reason that engulfed me in clarity and I finally said a whole hearted yes. Immediately a speciousness entered my being, a feeling of rightness that I had finally truly surrendered, not the half baked surrender of the past. I would love myself and my life no matter how long this stayed. I would find ways to enjoy myself DESPITE this pain. Over the next few days the intensity diminished only slightly yet I found little pockets of enjoyment. “Anxiety” was no longer trumping everything else in my life as it had, was no longer the boogie man hidden in the closet ready to pounce at any moment. It was not hidden, it could not pounce because I already had decided up front to welcome it. Yes, part of me hoped it would evaporate instantly with the surrender yet accepted that did not happen. For the next 3 or 4 days the intensity was a bit less and the duration a bit less too. I welcomed it all, no longer holding my nose. I had tears at how I had banished an integral part of myself, one that had shaped my life and brought many gifts of awakening, of wisdom, of compassion. I saw how I had tried to amputate a big part of myself; I saw how it could heal but never whole while I continued to reject it. I saw this was the ONLY way home to my own wholeheartedness.

I began to experience small pockets of joy again after years of emptiness, of feeling often flat lined. I saw the two feelings of joy and of “axiety” could co-exist. My behavior became much more open, more compassionate, more welcoming to others. I had several powerful and astounding interactions with “strangers.” Gifts arrived at my door. Most of all I felt like myself in a way I had not since I had a miraculous experience in 1992 where i KNEW myself as the embodiment of  unconditional love. This feeling arose again in full force albeit for short periods of time. I was myself again after such a long absence, Words cannot describe the sense of homecoming, of welcome, of wholeness. By Sunday I had the most peaceful day, the deepest sleep and no discomfort, no “anxiety.” By Monday I was singing with the angels and this morning I felt infused with the joy of being Love, embodying my true nature, being Christ consciousness alive in the moment. Such joy. So when doubt and scarcity consciousness arose, I knew this time not to reject or push them away. I knew to welcome them, invite them in for as long as they want, need to stay. Every path I have ever studied has spoken of this need to welcome, to love WHATEVER arises. Yes, while so simple, definitely not easy for me. Yet as we studied last night at my Mastery group, the way is without effort, without trying. Darlings, I hear many are feeling uneasy, nauseous perhaps, dizzy, depressed, lost. If so, I hope you will find the way back to your own heart, however long it takes. I hold your hand as we find our way home. I see you as you are, as the Beloved.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

I did this painting yesterday to honor all the energy moving through me; including it here becuase I thought it might be of interest to you Tish.