feeling blessed and cursed by these times

I am both extremely grateful and totally flummoxed living in these times. I am grateful for so many reasons, the primary one being my heart is so much more open then it has ever been. Two example already this morning after being awake about two hours. First I could not wake my daughter up. I know she is extremely tired. Years ago this was a huge issue and I used to move into such fear and anger, dragging her forcefully out of bed. Now I kept kissing and hugging her, feeling great compassion for how tired she was. This is parenting as presence, not coming from my conditioning or fears or reacting from my own discomfort, rather having empathy for her experience. Then I heard from a handyman who has helped me in the past. He had not returned my calls for about a month. In the past I would feel aggravated, now I felt only compassion. I sensed and he verified he’d been having many challenges. My heart was so full as I spoke to him and I wished him only the best, grateful he’d finally had the space and energy to call me. My dear friend Stephen said kindness is what he values. Me too. The intensity of these times have opened my heart so judgment and criticism are almost impossible for me. The two people I judged most, railed against, wanted to change so I would feel better now generally only bring up tenderness and empathy when I speak to them. I can hardly remember what made me so angry and self righteous. All that has been swept away in a wave of unity. At the same time I am tired of how the latest bump in frequency ramps my body back into the energy of formless anxiety that had plagued me most of my life. I fight against the lack of joy that seems to pervade my life even while laughing uproariously frequently. I feel burden by the intense suffering I see so many experiencing. Yesterday on the phone to an a friend from my University days, I felt so much compassion for the seemingly endless challenges he faces. I wondered that he is still standing, still functioning. I say all of us who signed up to survive these times are hero/ines. When I witness the equanimity my daughter so frequently exhibits, I feel blessed beyond measure. This morning in addition to being incredibly tired, something happened that to her is like a total nightmare. She moaned around for a few moments before being restored to her normal cheerful self. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so many loving, kind, open hearted people like you.