About a year ago I asked my daughter what she thought about a certain topic and she said, “nothing.” So I asked her if she had no opinion and she answered, “no, I don’t think.” Well, that was a stumper and took me awhile to compute. Turns out she means she rarely thinks, as in what meditators typically take years and years of effort to achieve, she does naturally. Today she asked me what is in my head. She told me in her head is generally no thoughts but something like white noise. Fascinating right?
So this is proof positive of what I already knew, these kids are different. I understand that from the year 2000, the year she was born, the children started coming in with different DNA with all the latest biological upgraded to the higher consciousness. I know she and her friends never consider questions of gender or race and can hardly understand that others do. In her class play this year several of the main characters are being played by members of the opposite sex. Hey, why not right?
So it is not surprising that the old, do it because I said so, style of parenting does not fly with these children/teenagers. This led to major squabbles with my daughter as I tried to use the control/domination method of parenting when there was conflict. Really what it came down to was that I tried to use my greater power to force her into compliance. This was a major no go and led to repeated stress. Our main source of conflict was primarily school work exacerbated greatly by her learning differences and, for a few years, waking up for school. I would try to force her to comply and the more I tried to control her, the greater she resisted. Twice we came to a major blow out before I finally got the crystal clear message, THIS IS NOT WORKING. I tried various parenting techniques many of which emphasized control which only got me more stuck to the tar baby. I even went to a healer I respected deeply yet found his attempted assistance basically useless. So I was on my own to figure this out.
This is what I can tell you in hindsight. In a very real way, I did not trust my daughter when it came to listening to her about what she was telling me about her needs. I would override her with the rules for a successful child, as dictated by society. A good parent ensures their child does well in school and uses force if necessary or perhaps subtle or not so subtle manipulation. A good parent knows better then the child what the child needs. Of course, with a younger child one needs to keep them safe. Yet even this was a source of conflict as I insisted for years she wear a jacket in cold weather and she insisted she did not need it. I finally gave it up a few years ago as I had read that at a certain age the child can feel the cold and regulate accordingly. It turned out she rarely wears a coat other then a light jacket even in snow yet never gets sick or feels cold by her own measure. I used fear to try to manipulate her regarding school work along the lines of, if you don’t do your school work, you’ll never get a decent job without advanced education. I tried to control what she ate, again threatening her with ill health for eating junk. As I woke up to my rules and certainty that I knew what was best for her, I began to really hear her, hear her concerns and needs. That changed everything. I now realize that she is the world’s foremost authority on her. The rules that we followed as children probably never really worked but they sure don’t now. It is so easy to try to keep our children safe by following the law laid down in our childhood about so many things yet this alienates our children. They rightly do not feel heard, respected, trusted. No surprise they move away from us, wounded by our certainty. As I have let go of my rules and control, she no longer feels the need to assert herself by resisting and often ends up what previously I tried to force her to do, like eat what I consider to be healthy food.
In many ways the kids I encounter have amazing awareness and understanding. Many seem to be able to read energy, have strong intuitive gifts, understand things way beyond their years. I have learned we do them a great disservice when we ignore their wisdom, assuming we know better what is in their best interest. Our concern for their well being often has us trying to put them in a box to ensure their future.
I have also learned never to argue, particularly when my child is in upset. When she was angry, tired or hurt she might say outrageous things and I would try to convince her she was wrong. Or she would tell me when upset that she would never do something in the future, for example finish high school. I would try to convince her this was a bad idea years before any of it even applied. I have learned to let such statements go as they generally shift on their own. She might swear on a stack of Bibles she will never do something yet when the time actually comes, she does it. My point? Give your kids a break, listen to them, respect them for the wise beings they are. Ironically, often when I quit trying to control her, she ends up complying with my request or instructions. The harmony, love, intimacy and respect that has arisen from these shifts in our relationship bring me such joy. It has surely been worth the prize of learning to really pay attention and respect these beings as yes, younger, yet no less wise in many ways then we are. Sometimes my daughter’s wisdom stuns me into silence, far surpassing my own understanding.
I have so much clarity coming in around parenting yet I still find it very difficult to put into words. I hope in time the brakes will come off and the words will flow. This post may trigger fear about really trusting our children, wondering what havoc might ensue. For me it is a dance between guidance, respect, love, support, listening and trust. It is a delicate balance, requiring deep listening, major trust and grounded love. Parenting is a delightful art for me, always in flow.