I was at dance today and the difference between this time and last time I was there was monumental. Last time I was movement moving with no one moving me if that makes sense. There was no thought, no intent, no desire, no separation, no plan, no commentary just deep connection, joy and flow. I danced with lots of people, known and unknown and felt deeply one with all. This time is was quite the opposite. An uncomfortable energy arose before I got there. I was moving through some feelings of loneliness despite numerous calls to dear friends. When I got there much of the music was too boisterous for the state of my nervous system. It was very crowded and felt a bit frenetic. I noticed my movements came not from thought but some part of me was directing the movement rather than it just flowing. I felt out of synch with others and only danced with a few people. It was clear my energy was closed and uncomfortable and I noticed how instinctively people responded to what I was putting into the field. Strangely, someone even came up to me and said how guarded I seemed. This was difficult as this was the old me, one that has not been present for quite some time.
I then went out to lunch with friends and was seated directly in front of a harpist whose music I love. The combination of a crowd of people, the music so loud right next to me and already jangled nerves sent my spine deeper into an iron rod tension that became actually painful. We played with my hats and I had several enjoyable conversations yet the state of my body kept true enjoyment at bay. This was my life for so long to have it reappear after so many weeks of stunning peace, not fun. But here is what is different. Even though I felt physically extremely uncomfortable and I received some less then welcome feedback which could have spun me back into self criticism or doubt, none of that occurred. I kept sending oodles of love to myself, I never felt defensive or on the spot. I did not need to explain or comment. I could just feel the unpleasant sensations and let it be. I no longer fear it will never end or wonder how long it will last. I can just accept it as it is, love it?, no, not really but yes, accept it.
I also want to talk about my unfolding understanding of commanding the energy. I use to thing I could control outcomes and thus blamed myself when things did not go my way. I now see that is a false simplification of commanding energy. How I see it now is when my frequency is high enough, my energy aligned, I can be in the flow of what is for my highest good, have a sense of precognition if you will. So I command events to go a certain way, somehow knowing in advance that I am in a place to jump to a more favorable timeline. I don’t make it happen, I just know in advance, subconsciously, it is going to happen. I do not know if this makes sense with these words but it feels like a subtle yet powerful distinction. If we think we control thing, we will inevitably blame ourselves if things go badly. Rather I believe we align with our highest self, see what is meant to occur and affirm it (command it) and then it arises as scheduled. Hope that makes sense. So let yourself off the hook if you are not “commanding” in the way your prefer now. Still having trouble getting the heaps of insights arriving down on the screen but doing my best. Giant love wave dear ones.
After a candlelit bath with very hot water, epson salts and lavender, I feel MUCH better. I highly recommend it for settling the nervous system.
