shifting timelines, feeling tone of celebration

A few years ago my daughter persuaded me to try on formal wear at Nordstrom’s , something totally out of my normal sphere of behavior. We were having a blast while I tried on elegant and outrageously expensive gowns. And then I put on the dress below. A bizarre transformation occurred when I put on the dress and I was transported to a future timeline of happiness, where I was wearing the dress and living a totally joyful and fulfilled life. The dress evoked the sensations in my body! I stared in mirror perplexed and excited by this unique experience. I had trouble taking the dress off as the contrast between my life at that moment and the life the dress had me feel was so profound. In one I was still in the midst of major renewal, in the bowels of awakening and not having a good time, frequently blasted into intense, earth shaking fear. My daughter actually talked me into buying the dress, which I did as a talisman for my future, to give me courage and fortitude to continue the excavation of my shadow.

Yesterday I was again popped into a parallel timeline where all was bliss and joy. The day was totally uneventful yet filled with such quiet joy. The feeling tone in my body was of complete satisfaction.

If you are on this journey you know the perks are not often obvious or clearly recognized. You may wish to go back and stop the process even though the train has left the station. You may question your sanity and try to forget the whole game. Yet you can’t. Maybe you too experience moments of absolute certainty and joy. I call these moments bleed throughs and for me they give me the fortitude to keep going. My life is no longer extremely challenging nor do I often experience fear. The feeling is more one of continual pressure, inability to move forward, a powerful exhaustion that sometimes sweeps across me, lack of movement.

I have recently been connecting with University friends. One found me on Facebook a few months ago. In the last days I have connected to three more. Here is what I have found out about my friends’ careers: a professor at Harvard, an urban designer and expert on sustainable cities, working in the UK and around the world, a Chicago lawyer, two executives for multinational companies and a New York architect who just completed his third textbook.

I know many of you are like me, living lives that are not honored or understood by mass society. I know what that feels like, not to have your contribution appreciated or celebrated. I know how it feels not to have the world send back a positive reflection of our beauty and gifts. Know that I celebrate you and your contribution!

I lived outside the United States for almost six years in a row. When I returned I felt the pressure of my family legacy of doctors, lawyers, head of international relief organization, even a Senator. I felt myself judge myself for not choosing that path of worldly success. This is the judgment that has been perhaps the most powerful I have used against myself, not being successful in worldly terms, little recognition, financial success, influence. Years ago I had to define success for myself and I came up with a authentic definition. In my own terms, I am extremely successful. It is no conincidene that these friends have appeared now to test me, do I really believe in  myself, my choices, my path? At the deepest level, yes, yet there is still a little insecure part that doubts herself, doubts if this was her true path or the booby prize one. Even writing those words I feel the absurdity of them, knowing absolutely that my journey has been to discover/uncover the only thing that is of vital importance to me. It was not something I could do on the side while having a prestigious job. It took all of me and I am incredibly proud of myself. Yet there is still this small part that is ashamed and maybe even a little embarrassed that with my stellar education I have not achieved greater success in worldly terms. I feel her inside, crying out for attention. So I will send her I love you’s. I will tell her how appreciated she is. I will assure her we took the path of our heart, the only one that could have been alive and genuine. I will remind her of her courage, her generosity, her influence in unrecognizable ways. No cities look different because of her, politics have not shifted, no internation companies or organizations have been affected. I look forward to the day there is no question for me about the direction my life took yet I am at peace that that day is not today. I came by this judgment honestly as it was reflected to me by my family’s values. Yet I choose to honor and cherish myself and my choices. I also know that my dress has given me the chance to know what it will feel like to live the certainty of having chosen the right life for me, and followed my dreams. Until then I keep the faith, grateful I sometimes get jumped into the timeline of that incredible joy and love.

UPDATE:

I just wrote a whole update that my computer nulled, sigh. Here’s the point in a nutshell. I was writing one thing with this post when my fingers began writing something else. I suddenly was writing about old college friends, their worldly success and comparison. this was an issue that truly plagued me 20-30 years ago and literally drove me back out of the USA after my first return as the feeling of inadequacy was so profound when I was on American soil. Yet the charge had slowly disappeared and seemingly been erased until today. I was not even aware I had a charge as I had not thoughts on the subject. My body got tense as I wrote. Yet it was only when Malene’s comment pierced my heart like an arrow and tears formed in my eyes did I fully frock what was unfolding. I had written the perfect play to help me re-trigger the lsat dredges of this wound for clearing. You gotta love the cast of characters, come on, Harvard professor, that it is the quintessential American success story. I love how I called this in. My body is still very tense yet with Malene’s comment it is easy to fall back in love with myself, see my own value and the perfection of the path I have chosen for myself.