I just listened to a monthly update for February by someone and noticed mild fear in my spine. He always say he gives his forecast not to create fear, only to inform. I often decide I will never listen to him again yet then sometimes find myself back there. In fact there are three sites I occasionally look at that sometimes provoke fear. I took time today to dive further into this fear. I called my spiritual partner and examined my mild fear.
It feels to me that sometimes teachers ignite fear and then say but no worries, follow me and all will be well. I cannot agree with that. I do say that we are living in a very tumultuous time and it is extremely easy to be swept into fear by numerous sources. I also say there is one person you should always follow and that is yourself, your own heart. This is where the key to the kingdom is located. So as usual the fear for me was regarding finances and my decision to focus all my energy on my passion and purpose, trusting all will be well. Yet trouble arises when I appeal to logic, to history, to the values of traditional society, to common sense. My father always said I lacked common sense and I would agree. I lack the sense to agree with most of society’s values and choices yet then by bucking millennium of values and choices, I feel myself seemingly trespassing in a no man’s land without signposts, blazing a new trail. Then I doubt my choices and knowing. Am I lost? Am I being foolish? Am I following my heart into danger? Being relatively familiar with finances, I have already gone through every permutation of how to stay financially secure and safe and found out that is not where the answer could lay for me. Amass a fortune and put it in the bank, bank could collapse. Buy tons of gold and keep it in your house which could be robbed or burn down. Get high paying job from which you could be fired and so on. So my safety cannot rest with my ability to accumulate and keep money. Yet I realized my error was at an even deeper level then that. I realized what I had inadvertently done is then put my trust in the Universe, knowing I will be supplied with what I need. Yet that Universe can be tricky and pull from us anything we are attached to. So if I will only trust the Universe if it gives me what I think I need I may not feel safe there either. What happens if the Universe decides to teach me something through lack, what then? How can I maintain an inner feeling of safety?
This is the question that has me occasionally slipping into doubt. Today I realize where my error is. Each day and night I focus on my three qualities for this year (or for as long as they serve me). They are trust, abundance and innocence. What I realized today was the trust I have been looking to has been focused on some mysterious Universe that has my back. On many levels I do see this as accurate. Yet it is a deeper level I need to reach to feel safe in my own skin. The place I need to trust is within, duh, like always. I need to trust MYSELF to have my own back no matter what happens, to dig myself out of whatever mess may arise. Can I trust myself? Not quite yet. I see all my previous inadequacies and say to myself, trust HER!?! I don’t think so. Look how she handled this or that. Yes, I see how much she has grown and evolved, yes she is doing a marvelous job but if that guy I listened to today is right and we’re all headed to hell in a hand basket, what then? Is she strong enough? wise enough? resourceful enough to save my ass, our ass (my daughter and I for whom I am finically responsible). I realize here is where I have come up short. I hope and believe the Universe, the Mystery, the Divine, call it what you will is a Source I can tap into and has resources beyond my puny grasp. Yet what I am groking in this moment is my relationship to that Source. Previously in a very subtle yet significant way I have seen myself as a supplicant, pleading to be saved and protected. In this moment I am getting the real possibility here. The Way of Mastery says we are Christ consciousness. Ever more frequently I remember to do the exercise of envisioning myself as Christ consciousness and imagining the world of my creation, detailing it with wonders and joys. I see how this shifts my energy, empowering and lifting me. Yet to be honest it remained a symbolic exercise, theoretically accurate but actually true? It has been too much of a stretch. Yet in this moment I can feel how this is literally true. It is ME, my true self I can depend on, a being directly tied to the resources and wisdom of the Universe. I have said those words to clients numerous times, knowing intellectually they are true. It is clear to me that to get through the birth pains of a new earth with minimal discomfort or fear, I must now truly embody these words. It is time to walk the talk. It is time to KNOW who I truly am, beyond the mind. It is time to trust that while currently I have little clue or training in how to make this work financially sustainable and in energetic balance, my own inner knowing will guide me to the right people, places, opportunities in Divine right timing along with aligning me with exactly what I need, not as a beggar being rewarded for service rendered but as a Divine co-creator. It is time to arise as one with the powers, resources, wisdom of an arisen Christ. Many may perceive this as blasphemy. Not so, this is Who were all are. Time to live and embrace this knowing of our unlimited potential.