Last night I feel into a pit of fear. Several thing contributed. I realize now it took more energy then I had fully released not to move into my old Christmas disappointment. I was fine I thought until I saw myself drink three cappuccinos and eat chocolate, hoping it would fill me. Then hearing two beloved friends face intense hopelessness and despair, know another friend is not doing so well, another has big challenges, another’s beloved died, ah, it takes its toll. But the biggest reason was feeling the pain of a loved one face homelessness. We now are friends with two homeless men and they too haunt me. I do not feel so steady myself so all of this added up to mid night wakefulness. I took herbal sleeping pills for the first time in a long time and read my Way of Mastery and still could not sleep. I tossed and turned, questioning how I might help and the line between taking care of myself and taking care of others. I often find myself too far on one side or the other of that line. For years I could only take of myself and there was no question of helping anyone except immediate family. Lately I feel the pull of community and contribution. ThenI think it is a hologram and it is all about my relationship to self. But this line is confusing to me. In the middle of the night I was panicked for this loved one. I questioned what was in integrity for me. I could not find peace so went back to Way of Mastery and something sunk in deeply. It is always about trust and holding my vision, not allowing fear to abduct me, fear for myself or other,. I cannot allow myself to see anyone as a victim or powerless. I fell into a very deep, very peaceful and refreshing sleep, resting in the certainty of my faith. Yet now that I am awake, the certainty is gone. My body does not feel well. Twice before I have almost slipped into a cold that seems to linger in many people around me with sore throat and/or sniffles. I did not allow myself to focus on illness and saw myself healthy instead and I did stay healthy. Now I am facing it again. I also have this weird itching in many of the places I had the poison oak. Nothing seems to be there except redness from my itching but it too grates. I have been more social in the last week then I had been in many years. It was very enjoyable yet it took its own energy. Ot did it? Is that just another old belief to release? I am not sure. I heard Eckhart Tolle say he could never do what Oprah does, be so out in the world. So is it a question of my beliefs or is it accept I am the way I am? I am really not sure. All I know is that I have generally a great peace yet it is mixed with a feeling of needing to really focus not to fall into fear. My self love was and is the turning point that sustains me, my ability to immediately spot and move away from fear. I see some of my more casual friends seemingly doing fantastic with new love relationships and Facebook assertions of great well being. I have one casual friend always smiling and seeming very happy. I hope this is so. I also know one person from on line who I can definitely say is doing great. It is a fine balance for me to recognize the certainty I am limitless and live with the reality I have not yet fully owned that Truth. I stay out of self blame or self judgment because that is my mantra, my religion, to love myself no matter what. I learned the “I love You” technique from Matt Kahn TrueDivineNature.com in October or November of last year. I received it as manna from heaven and I have never looked back. I applied it with incredible focus and it worked its magic. I am now doing my best to apply the same focus to abundance with less luck. Again, not easy to stay out of self judgment yet for the most part I can. As the ground under our feet continues to shift and move, as so many challenges affect ourselves or others, it is not easy to keep the faith at least until it is easy. The relentlessness of obstacles arising for clearing has not been for the faint of heart yet not clearing them has its own consequences. This game is no longer optional and I do not find it easy to play with joy. I often have a half smile of recognition of my own loving nature. Yet when the charges hit, it is easy to slip into a defeatist, oh no not again attitude. It take energy for me to stay focused on the light. I pray Matt Kahn is right when he says the incubation period for first wavers begins to end in 2015. In the meantime, I hang on to my faith with a wing and a prayer, sometimes by a thread, sometimes by a rope as thick as an elephant, sailing through whatever arises as best I can. I see when I hold my focus on my certainty of well being it always arises, whether it is with my health, my relationships, my work, my life. I just wished maintaining that focus did not feel so hard sometimes. I think my favorite part of Christmas were the beautiful handmade bows and cards my daughter decorated our packages with. Her creativity delights me. I know my favorite presents were the two rings she made me. I see so much to be grateful for, so much inner progress I’ve made, so much beauty and none the less, it all feels hard in this moment. Sending love that grace and fearlessness are holding you today.
Hours later: able to sit in the sun and calm my agitated nervous system. Still not a happy camper but back from the edge, and the sage continues…
Thank you Savannah. I am so in that same space so it is good to know I am not alone.
Love and blessings and yes hope Matt is right 🙂
Malene
Thanks for letting me know it helps. That is why I do it yet sometimes even my usual certainty about what I am doing slips away. Sad to hear you are in a similar place yet somehow comforting as I get the sense this is just what is up on planet earth now. Holding the trust line. big hug Malene
I , today, listened again to matt kahns ascension 2015 update… & took pages of notes … Matt said that its ok if we are not happy at this stage & its even ok if we hate everyone… that its ok as you will tumble thru into 5d anyway… so come as you are! The best has come! Welcome Home!
(Lets hope its in our timing soon & not cosmic idea of “soon”!!!)
Trisha Downunder xx
Thanks Trisha, good to hear and yes, REALLY hoping it is earth soon, not cosmic soon. My guides told me abidance will shift for me “soon”, sure hope it is earth soon. If you would feel t , would love to see your notes. Maybe stick them in comments? Not sure exactly how but sure it would be helpful if you are inclined. Or you could email me and I could add them as a post when I return. savannah@raisedinlove.com Will be taking a computer break so won’t see anything for a while.
Yea, I know it is ok but sure does not make it fun. The fall out the other night was as intense as ever, full ground evaporating and then free fall. Then to see beloved friends suffering even more, ouch! Yes, its ok but sometimes I want to smack somebody about how this is unfolding. Yea, yea, I know the party line but it still pisses me off big time occasionally, like enough already! I would never stop and am so grateful for the inner and outer shifts but the opportunity cost has been high. I know and feel the magic, the miracles, the openings, the paradigm shifts and still… Again, somehow reminding me of the movie “Gravity.” She had a R E A L L Y bad day and ends up with her almost burning up before she returns to safety and land. Guess we are in the burning stage but I thought that was years ago. I know it is the relentlessness of the journey, while I understand its necessity, sort of, that is so daunting.
I’m also in the same space as you and Malene. Where does this fear etc. come from??? Yesterday was a good day, but this afternoon the “gray cloud” descended again. (And I can’t blame it on being alone. Enjoying my brother’s visit….he’s a pretty cheerful person, doesn’t seem to be bothered by this stuff.) Ah well, I guess this too shall pass – hopefully sooner than later!
Love to you all.
Yes, often seems to come out of nowhere. I was just reflecting on how brave we are. Much of what I do other then hammock time involves gearing up and hoping my nervous system cooperates. The other day the stress of holiday traffic made me swear I’d never leave the house again during the holidays. Yet I just had a good thought, I decided that WE, the first wavers, will be the contrast the Holy Spirit a la the “Way of Mastery/ The Course in Miracles” speaks of, in 2015, when we are doing so fabulous everyone wants to now how we got there. That’s my story and I am sticking to it! Yes, when the fear wave comes, nothing seems to stop or prevent it. I have decide they just need to run their course so I do my best not to resist yet after so long, it ain’t easy. Yet today my nervous system was calm despite city driving, long drive, buses, crowds etc. I am remarkably calm after much activity. Something shifted. Yesterday I lost my daughter during an Alcatraz tour, reported it to the authorities, didn’t find her for over half an hour and remained relatively calm. But the day before my nervous system was fried by bad traffic and night driving (had the word drinking, night drinking, lucky I caught that error
Thank you Savannah, Thrisha down under and BJ. Love to you all. Nice to know I am not alone. This has been a hard christmas since I miss my mum, trancistion 02.12.2012. Amazing date for an amazing woman born on 07.07.1942 (777). Yet I miss her. Reading Lauren I wish my mum could speak to me, but I can smell her. Something like roses, she used to wear Madam Rouche perfume…And I can smell her but my heart is broken. So sad, but you angels keep me hanging on.
Love and blessings and thank you.
Malene ( in norway, and its snowy and cold here).
Malene,
I know how hard it is, especially at the holidays. My Mom is no long here on Earth for decades yet now somehow the holidays remembering all she did so beautifully to make them special bring her closer. Yes, those are amazing dates. She must have been a powerful lady! I am glad you can smell her. Yes, sad to hear of your broken heart yet I shall see it breaking wide open to allow more love in. I know absolutely that is what your mother would wish for you! Another thing that helps me, given the density of my relationship with my father, is realizing how grateful I am for the love I had with my mother. It was unspoken, unexpressed yet so clearly present. It is wonderful to hear how special your mother is to you. As Tish says, that is not always the case for us Starseeds.
So glad this helps you hang on. Exiting to know you join this love family from Norway. I have visited your beautiful country. I had a Norwegian boyfriend from Stavanger and we visited together. I loved it. I imagine the darkness in the winter does not help your mood. May your mother’s love and the love that you are keep you warm always.
much love
savannah
Malene… We Starseeds are sprinkled all over the globe, often born in very dense families of old stuck energy… simply to be the ones to shift lift the veil. U probably know all of this but its fair for us all to be honest & say ENOUGH!!!
Love to u in Norway…
T Downunder
Amen sister. Last two days have been much better yet I was imagining what it would be like to just feel fine, have my energy be consistent, to not have to be concerned whether I am physically capable of doing the things I want, concerned about making commitments as I don’t know how my energy/ nervous system will be. One thing I do appreciate, whenever I teach, do sessions, my energy now has totally stabilized. I could always connect to an energy beyond myself and tune it yet in previous years, I sometimes had to dig deep to come into balance. For some time now, it is almost always rather effortless.
Thanks Trisha for helping hold the energy down under.
Amen sisters:) Thank you. Love and blessings dear.
to you too sweetie