I had the opportunity to work with Matt Kahn and he told me I no longer needed to learn through suffering but that I was still trying. WHAT!?! Still trying? I could hardly fathom letting go of trying as my old type A spiritual ego was a merciless driver pushing me to try try try to be better, more loving, more productive, worthy and so on. I look back on that with great compassion. I now see the perfection of all that has unfolded. One of the more challenging aspects of this journey was trusting all was well when I was nearly incapacitated with the depth of charge I was releasing. I worried I would never have the energy to make money and that my nest egg would evaporate. I worried I would not have the energy to care adequately for my daughter. I could not conceive of how we would make it, given the amount of rest and silence I needed. Yet looking back I see I was always guided, lifted and carried. I never had to do more then I was capable of, my money has held up as I have regained my strength. I now see the intricate pattern was exactly what I needed to wake me up and that all the support I required was always there. If I could go back in time I would give myself the gift of deeper trust, telling myself to relax and have faith all would be provided for my survival and transformation.
Now that I have made it through some pivotal portal, I see how absurd it is to blame or judge ourself or others. We are all always doing our best. I see how I pushed myself and it is a great wonder that I can now generally relax and trust, still with no evidence of security or need to try to make anything happen, to control any outcome. I do what I am guided to do without attaching to a certain result. I feel such incredible certainty that all IS well. I have no clue how I will expand my vision, my purpose but I remember three years ago I had no clue how I would ever develop a web site. That seemed like climbing Mount Everest to me, impossible yet it is now done. So I have faith that I will find my way to do what is necessary to fulfill my purpose and to provide for myself and my daughter. I almost always have this peaceful feeling in my body, a sense of safety and well being. For those of you who have been with me longer, you know what a startling shift this is for me from the previous years when I sometimes felt I might lose my mind or when I was indifferent (or even worse) to staying here on the planet. The transformation is extraordinary. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me despite pockets of wonderful experiences. My body was very stressed yet I never doubted that it was somehow serving me, shifting what no longer supported me. During dance, the lyrics of a song said something like, and now you are the woman you have always longed to be. My heart swelled with joy to know those words are true.
Darlings, the road is long and steep, the terrain often treacherous yet I would not trade this new peace and sense of well being for anything. May we all know ourselves as the ones we have been waiting for.