As I am reflecting back on what tripped me up the most on this journey so far, one of the things was a constant questioning of both the process of awakening and of myself. I thought I must be doing something wrong or there must be something wrong with ME that I am suffering so much. I compared myself, thinking she’s not suffering so much, he’s not suffering at all, they are happy , etc. I palavered (pulled that word out of a hat but it is so perfect had to use it) on and on about why why why and assumed I was the lone ranger, suffering so terribly while other’s coasted, she said theatrically with a hand to her forehead. Yes, one of the delight’s of being a four on the enneagram is drama and the assumption that one’s own suffering is so much worse then others. As I come out of the tunnel, I see how absurd that erroneous belief is/was. For those of you unfamiliar with the enneagram, my dictionary defines it as a nine-sided figure used in a particular system of analysis to represent the spectrum of possible personality types. It is a very old and wise system, that use to only be available to adepts with years of training.
Before I go on, I would like to offer a plug for the enneagram system. When I read my first book I assumed the authors must have been living under my bed my whole life that they were able to nail me so accurately. It was downright spooky. The two books that helped me are Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson (Oct 29, 1996) and The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram: Nine Faces of the Soul by Sandra Maitri (Feb 19, 2001). For understanding children, I recommend The Enneagram of Parenting: The 9 Types of Children and How to Raise Them Successfully by Elizabeth Wagele (Jan 31, 1997) Reading about the enneagram gave me an appreciation for myself and my challenges in addition to making others’ more comprehensible to me. When I saw their blind sides, it was so much easier to accept and forgive, knowing they too were being twisted and shaped by their conditioning, that until they were able to become conscious, they really were puppets of that history, just as I was until we can find our way to freedom.
Now that the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place, I see how absurd it is to judge ourselves for our conditioning and the way it distorts our magnificence. That is like blaming oneself for being tall or short. It is so easy to think we are the lone ranger, suffering in silence and isolation. It doesn’t make sense that when we begin to surrender our lives to the Divine, it appears as though all hell break lose. Yet it is when we surrender that we can begin the journey through the rings of fear that will bring us to our freedom. I have passed through so many rings of fear and terror that happily I can report fear is greatly diminished in my life. I have not experienced intense fear since a very extreme episode back in July or August, I really can’t remember when. What came up for me next were scarcity fears. I found myself tightening my belt so much I was about to asphyxiate myself. I finally figured out what the linchpin of that fear was, my attachment to money for safety (see “money is not our source,” September 19, 12014). Then one more fear crept in, Ebola. At first I avoided all mention of it as it really pissed me off how the media was hyping it and sending the world into waves of entirely overblown fear. Yet somehow I felt tendrils of fear and sense I somehow had experienced something that conditioned me to such fear, from a past life or perhaps an ancestral memory. My daughter said she was shocked to see I had fallen for that fear. She said her friends were freaked out yet she remained unmoved by such fear. Yea for her. Just like every other fear, I had to allow it in my body until it dissipated its charge. If I lived in certain countries in Africa, I would have reason to be concerned and my heart goes out to all those being subjected to such a horrifying disease with so few resources. Yet in northern California, the fear is totally unrelated to any risk and is more of a primal response. Luckily I was able to move through it rather quickly.
I use to avoid speaking of the necessary passage through fear as I have lost many clients once they see the fear that must be faced. Yet these times no longer give us that latitude. As the light of consciousness emerges on the planet with increasing brightness, it will not be denied. It is painful to seem to see those who are blind to their Divinity be successful and powerful. That too is coming to an end. Those who deny the Light cannot continue to thrive. We are seeing the last stages of the drama of darkness play out, with those abusing their power grasping and gasping for their last moments in the play of history. Our inner battle is to remain faithful to a path that seems to only bring suffering. It is not bring us fear, it is only taking our suffering into the light to be released through our Presence. Truly, as we pass throughout the rings of fear, we are being guided to our birthright of peace, serenity, acceptance and a quiet joy. It is so hard to keep the faith my darling, I know this. The incomparable and beloved Matt Kahn is obviously on the same track as this was his offering for yesterday. (see below) It speaks directly to this challenge. My darlings, hold my hand as I assure you all is well. We will pass through the rings of fear, we will know our own Divinity, we will find our unlimited Self. Yet to arrive, one must begin. Once we commit, the journey is assured. I assume most of you have made that commitment or you would not be interested in reading this. So then the train has left the station. Just sit back, watch the scenery go by and trust all is well. Our arrival is assured.
As awakening dawns, it is quite common for your experiences to seem anything but the fairy tale romance you may have hoped would unfold along a spiritual journey. Instead of being immersed in never-ending bliss or the ability to respond consciously in every interaction, there is a palpable heaviness that can feel quite helpless, if without a clue as to what is going on.
As you wake up, your attachment to ego dissolves out of your energy field. As attachments to ego evaporate, you are suddenly unable to be fed by the people, places, and things that previously defined your existence. In ego, it is quite common to misunderstand the notion of caring for the things that fed your identity. This means as you wake up from the need to be fed, it can feel like you don’t know how to care about the things that used to be the center of your universe.
Without a clear sense of knowing how to care in the absence of needing to be fed, it can quickly turn your reality into a bleak and lifeless desert of existential boredom. Imagine: nothing that used to define or feed you gives you any surge of significance or fulfillment, while your long-awaited new way of being has yet to be revealed. I call this stage Ascension Purgatory. It’s not as hellish as the pain you’ve known in the past, but it still feels miles and miles away from the Heaven you keep telling yourself is anywhere else but here.
Some may continue to avoid this crucial stage of awakening by looking for new things to be fed by. When the ego looks for new things to feed its existence, the desire for deeper more meaningful relationships is often where it places its focus. While everyone deserves to know the true joy of companionship and to be reunited with their soul family, it is common to desire these types of relationships the most, as a way of steering your attention away from the overwhelming despair of spiritual limbo land.
For those of you who are knee deep in Ascension symptoms, yearning to break through to the other side, but without a clue as to how to care about life when nothing seems to matter, I offer you this important exercise of surrender.
I invite you to sit comfortably, close your eyes, and repeat over and over again the following mantra: “There is no way out of pain. There is no way out of judgment.”
Without overanalyzing this phrase, the energy within it strips away the pretense of a spiritual ego to inspire a heartfelt surrender that hands over every remaining option to the hands of fate. In turn, your highest destiny begins to blossom, as you discover an inherent ability to love without a need to be fed by the things being embraced. As this depth of surrender is integrated, a well-spring of inspiration and intuitive direction will return to your consciousness and begin guiding your every move.
This is not a process that can be rushed or fast-tracked, although a mantra of this depth and magnitude has been created to give you the most direct access to a truth already awake and alive within you.
As many of you have come to realize, knowing yourself as a fill in the blank spiritual answer cannot spare you from the sorrow of emptying out. As you take a bold step in the direction of life’s most heartfelt surrender, the acceptance of there being no way out of pain or judgment unravels every strategy of manipulation and avoidance. Without manipulation or avoidance as an active force in your energy field, your choices can now be arranged and orchestrated by the will of the Universe, instead of coerced by the conditioned grip of preference. While I assure you there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it is your willingness to relinquish every morsel of hope, expectation, and anticipation that allows the intelligence within you to have free reign over your field and redirect your consciousness into a new and exciting direction.
Sometimes it is a belief that you know how the spiritual path is supposed to work or an insistence that you know what you need to do that can block the recognition of your most profound insight. It is an insight that in the acceptance of there being no way out of pain or judgment that ends your war against life. As your lifelong battle dissolves, you may begin to see how each and every moment has been masterfully designed to ensure your highest growth and expansion – no matter how confusing, hurtful, or frustrating it may seemed to have been.
It is out of respect for the incredible journey you are already on that I provide the teaching, “Whatever arises – love that.” Knowing, it is not a matter of loving anyone else, but the one who feels however you do that begins to transform reality for the well-being of all. While conventional spiritual wisdom might read this and politely disagree, insisting there is a way out of pain and judgment, that is unknowingly turning away from a far deeper surrender, in favor or repeating a mixture of teachings that create a more sophisticated prison to maneuver.
I invite you to repeat this mantra for 5-10 minutes with your eyes closed and allow the lightness of your body to tell a tale that no belief, conclusion, or opinion can ever understand.
Everyone deserves to be loved, adored, and cherished – especially during a time like this.
Many blessings to all.
Matt Kahn
www.truedivinenature.com