Today is a special day for me. It is the 7th anniversary of the day I knew irrevocably my 23 1/2 year relationship/ marriage had to end. The night before I had entered the deepest surrender of my life after knowing I literally was incapable of going on as I had, that the situation was sapping my desire to live. I woke up with absolute certainty and for a day felt blessed by angelic energies. Then I descend to another level of hell with terror and despair. Co-dependency was triggered to the nth degree and I again wondered if I would survive.
I was gratified by Matt Kahn’s recent video revealing how much his own suffering only surfaced after his marriage. His love for his wife allowed deeply subconscious patterns to surface for integration. His healing was initiated by a marriage, mine by a dissolution of a marriage. I appreciated Matt’s video even though I no longer relate to the idea of seeing oneself as the victim of the past.
I made sweet plans for this seventh anniversary because it somehow seemed significant, the end of an epoch yet the Mystery swept all those plans aside. Instead of a fun day, weather and circumstances made it appear as though I would be alone for the day. When I first learned all my intentions for this day were not going to occur, I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach that was screaming help. Mind you, I had just completed guiding two sessions in a row where clients were swimming in uncharted waters. Yet for at least five minutes, I forgot everything I know, everything I had just shared with clients and tried desperately to make the fear and pain go away. Luckily, I catch myself ever more quickly. I stopped trying to escape and gently asked my heart what it needed. I felt the angst as a wave washing over my body. I fully allowed it to have its way with me. I breathed in to to, recognizing it as the birth pains it was. This restoring ourselves to our True natures is an seemingly unending birth process.
As the energy calmed down I saw the perfection of the change of plans. I seldom plan anymore and the Universe was not even having this little plan. Of course, what occurs instead always surpasses our little plans, even when it looks exactly the opposite. Yesterday I had the longest conversation I have had in years with my wasband (ex.) I again expressed my grief and regret at the way I had treated him in the last seven years of our marriage. It took seven years from the time I knew our marriage needed to end until it did. The fear and co-dependency were too much for me to face. Finally, luckily, he decided he’d had enough. Here is the hard part to admit. If you’ve read this far, I trust you are a friend. The true confession is in those seven years I treated my husband very badly. I was the one who was unkind, judgmental, critical. I mirrored many of the behaviors of the parent that had instilled numerous wounds within me with frequent rage. I had inadvertently and deeply unconsciously decided the choice was either to be the victim or the aggressor, all part of the same triangle. It is easy to side with the victim, not so easy to see the aggressor as just the other side of the coin. I thought that was my only choice to ensure I did not become the “victim.” I treated my husband badly, upset because I no longer knew how to love him as a husband, and then blamed him! So yesterday and today, I again shared my grief and sorrow with him for this behavior. He literally said “Oh, stop.” I believe I had already released most of the guilt yet some grief remained. Hopefully these last two days may have purged that well of grief. Now I love him in many ways more than ever.
I detail this as it is so easy to point the finger at the aggressor who is merely someone unaware of or unable to stop playing out their own wounded conditioning. Many of the most horrifying characters of history had extremely wounding childhoods. (For those watching “The Crown” it is fascinating to watch Prince Philips childhood impacting the way he chose to educate Prince Charles.) I was deeply unconscious until my wasband pulled the plug on my unskillful behaviors and woke me up from the trance of unkind behavior, thank God! I hadn’t known what a bitch I was being because my behavior was both so familiar and so toned down from what I had witnessed as a child, I did not know it was unskillful! Trust me I was also acting in controlling ways with my daughter but was unable to look in the mirror, instead focusing my upset on my daughter’s controlling behavior. I say all this because these patterns are so deeply unconscious, it takes a miracle to see them. Luckily the gods gave me a powerful daughter who called me on my stuff from the age of five on. While initially I saw it all as her bad behavior, my commitment and deep love for my daughter allowed me to excavate my own deeply unconscious unskillful behavior so that we now live in exceptional harmony and peace (with a teenager!)
It is so easy to point the finger of blame and judgment, not so easy to look in the mirror. I hope this long post can illuminate some of these deeply unconscious behaviors and lead to compassion and empathy for those on both sides of the equation.
So toady I am celebrating a day of deep renewal.My rebirth day was May 7, 2014 when I knew I was finally accessing deep self love after years of excavating self hatred. Today is the day I cleared out the last guilt, shame, blame grief about my marriage. It has allowed me to move past the deeply unconscious fears of reentering a loving, intimate relationship. I am choosing to spend the day alone, with ritual, self honoring, celebration, bathing in self love and appreciation. Today I would love for any of you who have read this far to be my witness. I have been exhuming my fears of truly entering holy relationship with someone with whom I will live. Done it with my daughter, done it was a few wonderful friends. But with a man, to live together? Previously above my pay grade. Until today. I know when I declare myself, the earth moves under my feet, Today is that day. I declare I am am ready for a Holy relationship with someone I intend to commit to for a lifetimes, not a reason or a season, for eternity. Watch out world. My command must and will be obeyed because I speak with the authority of the Christ. It took me years to work through all my fears of being a parent. I had to clean, clean, clean. Yet once I cleared the final obstacle, my daughter was born a few weeks later (she is adopted, so my pregnancy was only a few weeks long from the time I was 100% committed.) I commit 100% now to a Holy relationship even though I am still quaking and shaking. I am willing to be willing. And so it is.