A very powerful moment unfolded for me last night. I was in a perfect storm of things going “wrong” and my body was responding with incredible tension. Yet I realized in hindsight that the word anxiety never even occurred to me. It was just extreme agitation and tension. Interestingly, it was a similar situation to what had triggered my crisis in October. I had to complete a task that was important to me and nothing was going as needed. I asked for help from a relative who refused to give it. This has happened before and I have almost always responded with anger covering deep sadness. I usually launch in to a charged reactive pity party. This time I was able to stay deeply grounded in my own being as I neutrally shared my deep sadness and disappointment and then I let it go. I was truly shocked when the person arrived to help me!
The miracles continued. In the past when the person has helped me when I am in a charged state, there is usually alternating compassion and harshness in the way they support me. I fully have recognized I too have been like that when helping people close to me who are deeply charge. I have tended to alternate between deep compassion and impatience, harshness. Noticing how that feels in MY body has motivated me to can that behavior. The last time the person’s unmerciful reaction when I felt so vulnerable was like broken glass cutting. So I was shocked when the person remained kind and compassionate through the entire ordeal where things kept going wrong. I wanted to cry with gratitude. It was such a miraculous turning point and opened my heart even more fully. I did recognize that is a reflection of how compassionate I feel most of the time now. It was a miracle that is still warming my heart. I bow in gratitude.
remembering the joy of being
