I was just thinking about how difficult it was for me as I began slipping into my dark night 11 years ago. I felt as a parent I needed to sidestep my own wounds and grief in order to have a more harmonious, peaceful environment for my young daughter to grow up in. As my marriage began to fissure, I tried desperately to keep it all together. I felt a powerful obligation as a parent and consciousness facilitator, therapist that I did not want to burden my daughter with negative conditioning and intergenerational pain. This force to protect her and help her maintain her joy and innocence was and is one of the prime motivations of my life. I could not understand why or how others were not so burdened. I knew then and see even more clearly now how soul agreements were and always are operational. I knew my daughter’s presence, love and joy was the net I needed to dive into the most profound grief and terror of awakening from the dream of limitation. I seriously wondered what would have happened to me without her energy holding me. Yet I was supper clear, given my education and training, that my daughter would pay a price for being conditioned by such circumstances, particularly at a young age. Yet really I had no choice but to fall into the pit beneath me.
As I slipped further into darkness, exhaustion, isolation even panic, I tried to hold my daughter aloft. When I saw her too sliding into depression, anxiety and heaviness, mostly from her own situation, I felt a heart splitting grief for my pain, her’s, the world’s. In this moment I am remembering a poem I wrote at age maybe 15:
I am alone; or so I think; until I see ; the tears of all humanity.
You can tell from that I had a less then delightful childhood and I was determined to spare my daughter that pain. All to no avail. For a few years our whole family was lost in a very sticky morass of despair. I felt so powerless, so helpless. Yet slowly, as the years passed I began to climb back into the light. I noticed my daughter seemed to match me stride for stride. She too became lighter, her joy slowly return, her confidence emerged.
Yesterday something hit me powerfully with a deep cellular knowing. It truly was all soul agreement. We made a life changing commitment to each other to hold each other, support and antagonize each other, love and torment each other back to wholeness. I saw how powerfully we have served, are serving each other. This relationship is a microcosm of billions of others on earth. I felt such a sense of gratitude and celebration. I KNEW IT! I saw the beauty and love of it all. I see that as I come back to joy, to myself, to KNOWING Who I AM, nothing could be more powerful. I no longer felt guilty that I had burdened her with an unhappy childhood. I truly knew the gift of living with a more wake, conscious mother would be and is for her. I saw her as blessed rather then cursed. I knew with every cell of my being, all is well.